One of the most painful questions betrayed spouses ask is:
“How could my spouse do this to me?”
The question itself brings up feelings of anger, confusion, disbelief, and heartbreak.
You trusted this person.
You built a life together.
You may have shared children, dreams, a home, and decades of memories.
Then suddenly you discover an affair, and your mind cannot stop asking:
“How could they do this?”
“How could they hurt me like this?”
“How could someone who claimed to love me cause this much pain?”
These are normal questions.
You deserve answers.
Understanding the past is important because it helps you learn from the past. While none of us can go back and undo what has happened, we can gain understanding that helps us create a healthier future.
The problem is that sometimes this particular question points us in the wrong direction.
The Question Assumes Intent
When we ask:
“How could my spouse do this to me?”
the question often assumes that the affair was primarily about hurting us.
It suggests that your spouse woke up one morning and thought:
“What is the most painful thing I could possibly do to my husband or wife?”
“I know. I’ll have an affair.”
In most cases, it doesn’t happen that way.
Most people mean their wedding vows when they say them.
Most people never imagine they will become someone who has an affair.
Many of them once judged people who had affairs.
Some of them believed they would never be capable of such a thing.
Then they slowly crossed boundaries.
They justified small compromises.
They ignored warning signs.
They became emotionally involved where they shouldn’t have.
Eventually they found themselves somewhere they never intended to go.
None of this excuses the affair.
The unfaithful spouse is still fully responsible for their choices.
But understanding how someone gets there is very different from assuming their primary goal was to hurt you.
How Could Someone Who Loves Me Hurt Me So Much?
This is often the deeper question beneath the question.
And it’s a fair one.
Many betrayed spouses conclude:
“If my spouse truly loved me, they never would have done this.”
Yet after years of helping couples heal, I’ve learned that human beings are more complicated than that.
People are capable of loving someone and still making terrible choices.
People are capable of caring deeply about their spouse and still becoming caught in unhealthy thinking, selfishness, denial, entitlement, emotional immaturity, avoidance, or fantasy.
People involved in affairs often engage in distorted thinking.
They convince themselves they deserve happiness.
They minimize the risks.
They rationalize their behavior.
They compartmentalize.
They tell themselves stories that allow them to continue doing something they know is wrong.
Again, this is not an excuse.
It is an explanation.
And explanations matter.
Because understanding what happened is one of the keys to preventing it from happening again.
Understanding Is Not Excusing
One of the greatest fears betrayed spouses have is that if they begin to understand the affair, they are somehow excusing it.
That is not true.
Understanding and excusing are two very different things.
You can fully understand why something happened and still believe it was wrong.
You can understand how your spouse arrived at their choices and still hold them accountable.
You can have compassion for their struggles and still require meaningful change.
In fact, healing often becomes possible only after understanding begins.
For years people have asked me how I could possibly be fully healed from Brian’s affair.
The answer is simple:
I get it.
I understand how a good person can make terrible choices.
I understand how unhealthy patterns develop.
I understand how self-deception works.
I understand the factors that contributed to what happened in our marriage.
That understanding did not excuse the affair.
But it did remove the confusion.
And confusion is one of the most painful parts of betrayal.
What If My Spouse Says They Had the Affair Because of Me?
Many unfaithful spouses initially blame their spouse, the marriage, stress, loneliness, lack of appreciation, or other circumstances.
This is common.
Early explanations are often incomplete.
Your spouse may be sharing their current understanding of why the affair happened, but deeper insights often emerge over time.
As people become more honest with themselves, they often discover that the reasons they originally gave were only part of the story.
This is one reason so many couples struggle to heal on their own.
The deeper issues behind an affair are rarely obvious at first.
They are uncovered through reflection, honest conversations, coaching, counseling, education, and personal growth.
Why Understanding Matters
The reason understanding matters is not because it changes the past.
It doesn’t.
The affair still happened.
The pain was real.
The betrayal was real.
The losses were real.
Understanding matters because it changes the future.
When couples truly understand what led to the affair, they can begin addressing the real issues instead of merely treating symptoms.
More importantly, understanding often softens anger and creates space for healing.
One of the most important lessons I have learned is this:
Understanding creates compassion.
Compassion creates forgiveness.
Forgiveness creates freedom.— Anne Bercht
This does not happen overnight.
But it happens.
And when it does, healing becomes possible.
What Healing Looks Like
Early in recovery, many people are consumed by the question:
“How could they do this to me?”
Years later, the question often changes.
It becomes:
“What can I learn from this?”
“How did this happen?”
“What needs to change?”
“How do we create a healthier future?”
The focus shifts from blame to understanding.
From confusion to clarity.
From pain to growth.
That does not mean the affair was good.
It means something good emerged from something painful.
Today, I have no emotional pain attached to the memory of Brian’s affair.
Not because I forgot.
Not because it didn’t matter.
Not because I excuse what happened.
But because I understand it.
And understanding gave me freedom.
Frequently Asked Questions
How could my spouse do this to me?
Most affairs are not motivated primarily by a desire to hurt a spouse. They usually result from unhealthy boundaries, poor decisions, distorted thinking, emotional immaturity, or unresolved personal issues.
Did my spouse intentionally have an affair to hurt me?
In most cases, no. While some people may act out of anger or resentment, most affairs are not primarily motivated by a desire to cause pain. The damage they cause is often far greater than the unfaithful spouse ever imagined.
How could someone who loves me cheat?
Human beings are capable of loving someone and still making harmful choices. Love alone does not prevent poor boundaries, selfishness, avoidance, or unhealthy coping mechanisms.
Is understanding the affair the same as excusing it?
No. Understanding helps explain what happened. Excusing removes responsibility. Healthy recovery involves understanding the affair while still holding the unfaithful spouse accountable.
Will understanding why the affair happened help me heal?
For many people, yes. Understanding often reduces confusion, creates clarity, and helps couples address the underlying issues that contributed to the affair.
Can I forgive my spouse without understanding the affair?
Some people do, but most find that understanding makes forgiveness easier because it helps make sense of what happened and removes much of the confusion surrounding the betrayal.
Final Thoughts
If you find yourself asking:
“How could my spouse do this to me?”
please know that you are asking a normal question.
But don’t stop there.
Keep digging.
Keep learning.
Keep seeking understanding.
The more you understand what happened, the less power confusion will have over you.
And often, that understanding becomes the bridge between heartbreak and healing.
Because while understanding may not change the past, it can absolutely change your future.