One of the most common questions I hear from betrayed spouses is:
“How could this affair happen to us?”
I understand the question because I asked it too.
My husband and I were happily married. We loved each other. We were committed Christians. We took our wedding vows seriously. We had strong family values, good friends, and what appeared to be a healthy marriage.
If anyone had told us an affair would one day impact our marriage, we would have said they were crazy.
In fact, in the foreword of my book, Brian wrote that if anyone had told him he would one day have an affair, he would have sworn it was impossible. He simply wasn’t “that kind of person.”
Then it happened.
Our friends were shocked.
We were shocked.
And I found myself asking the same question many betrayed spouses ask:
“How could this affair happen to us?”
The Myth That Affairs Only Happen in Bad Marriages
One of the most damaging myths about infidelity is the belief that affairs only happen in bad marriages.
Many people assume that if a couple is happy, committed, in love, and morally grounded, they are protected from affairs.
I certainly believed that.
What I eventually learned is that affairs can happen in struggling marriages, but they can also happen in good marriages.
They can happen to people who love their spouses.
They can happen to people who never intended to be unfaithful.
They can happen to people who once judged others for having affairs.
This doesn’t mean marriage quality is irrelevant. Relationship problems can absolutely contribute to vulnerability. But the idea that affairs only happen because a marriage is broken is simply not true.
Many betrayed spouses are blindsided precisely because they never imagined it could happen to them.
Good People Can Make Terrible Choices
One of the hardest lessons I learned is that good people are still capable of making very poor decisions.
Having an affair does not automatically mean someone is evil.
It means they crossed boundaries.
They ignored warning signs.
They justified behavior that should never have been justified.
They allowed themselves to move closer and closer to danger until they found themselves somewhere they never intended to go.
This is not an excuse.
It is simply an acknowledgement of how human beings sometimes behave.
Many people who have affairs never set out to have one.
They drift into situations they fail to recognize as dangerous until the damage has already begun.
Attraction Is Normal. Affairs Are Not.
One of the most freeing things I have learned is that attraction itself is not the problem.
Human beings notice attractive people.
Married people notice attractive people.
That is normal.
The danger begins when attraction is nurtured, encouraged, hidden, or allowed to grow in secrecy.
Healthy marriages are not built on pretending attraction never exists.
Healthy marriages are built on honesty, boundaries, self-awareness, and good decisions.
Attraction is not a threat to a marriage.
Poor boundaries are.
The Difference Between Honesty and Monogamy
Peggy Vaughan, my mentor and the founder of Beyond Affairs Network, taught something that profoundly influenced my thinking.
After years of infidelity early in their marriage, Peggy and her husband James eventually enjoyed more than thirty years of faithfulness.
What fascinated me was that they didn’t simply recommit themselves to monogamy.
They committed themselves to honesty.
Their commitment to honesty led them to monogamy.
That insight changed the way I think about affair prevention.
Many people focus exclusively on avoiding affairs.
But healthy marriages are built on something deeper:
Honesty.
Transparency.
Authenticity.
The willingness to tell the truth about what is really happening inside us.
Why Happy Marriages Are Still Vulnerable
One reason affairs sometimes happen in good marriages is because happy couples can become overconfident.
That was certainly true for me.
Before Brian’s affair, I was sure such a thing could never happen to us.
Looking back, I realize that confidence was based more on naivety than awareness.
People who are certain affairs could never happen to them may actually be more vulnerable because they fail to recognize risks when they appear.
This doesn’t mean we should live in fear.
Not at all.
But healthy respect for our vulnerability can be protective.
Awareness is a much better safeguard than overconfidence.
Security Comes From Awareness, Not Certainty
Today I do not live in fear of another affair.
But neither do I live under the illusion that human beings are incapable of making mistakes.
What gives me peace is not certainty.
What gives me peace is knowing that Brian and I have developed a level of honesty, openness, and self-awareness that did not exist before.
We continue to learn.
We continue to grow.
We continue to invest in our relationship.
We continue to pay attention.
Those things dramatically reduce risk.
But perhaps the greatest source of peace for me is this:
My marriage is not my life.
I love my husband deeply.
I treasure our relationship.
But my happiness is not entirely dependent upon another person’s choices.
If Brian were to make poor choices again someday, I would be devastated.
But I would survive.
Knowing that has brought tremendous freedom.
Frequently Asked Questions
Can an affair happen in a good marriage?
Yes. While relationship problems can contribute to vulnerability, affairs can also happen in marriages that appear healthy, loving, and committed.
Why do affairs happen in happy marriages?
Affairs often involve poor boundaries, secrecy, unhealthy thinking, emotional immaturity, opportunity, temptation, or a lack of awareness about how affairs develop.
Can good people have affairs?
Unfortunately, yes. Good people are capable of making terrible decisions. Understanding this reality helps us remain humble, vigilant, and committed to healthy boundaries.
Can committed Christians have affairs?
Yes. Faith is an important protection, but faith alone does not make anyone immune to temptation, poor decisions, or self-deception.
Is attraction to other people normal in marriage?
Yes. Attraction is normal. The issue is not attraction itself, but how that attraction is handled.
How can couples protect their marriage from an affair?
The strongest protections include honesty, self-awareness, healthy boundaries, transparency, ongoing relationship growth, and a willingness to address problems before they become crises.
Final Thoughts
For years I asked:
“How could this affair happen to us?”
Eventually I discovered a better question:
“What can we learn from what happened?”
That question changed everything.
Affairs do not only happen to bad people in bad marriages.
They can happen to ordinary people who never saw the danger coming.
The good news is that awareness changes everything.
When we understand how affairs develop, we become far better equipped to protect our marriages, strengthen our relationships, and make wiser choices.
You do not need to live in fear.
But neither should you assume it could never happen to you.
Healthy marriages are not protected by certainty.
They are protected by honesty, humility, awareness, and a lifelong commitment to growth.