“The reason why I am healed today, the reason why I am no longer stuck, is that I get it. I get how my husband could love me and still end up having an affair.”
— Anne Bercht
I had an affair.
I cheated on Anne.
One of the questions I am most often asked is:
“Why were you willing to throw your marriage and family away for the other woman?”
Or:
“Why were you willing to risk everything you had?”
As someone who had an affair, I understand why betrayed spouses ask these questions.
Looking at the destruction an affair causes, it seems obvious that anyone choosing an affair must be consciously choosing to throw away their marriage, their family, and everything they have built.
But in many cases, that is not what is happening at all.
Please understand, I am not excusing affairs.
I take full responsibility for my choices.
What I am trying to do is help explain why affairs often seem so irrational and confusing to the betrayed spouse.
If a couple is going to heal, eventually they need to move beyond the belief that:
“You must have wanted to destroy our marriage.”
Because for many unfaithful spouses, that simply was not true.
Most did not set out to lose everything.
Most never imagined it would go this far.
Understanding Is Not Excusing
Before we go any further, let’s be clear.
Understanding how someone got into an affair is not the same thing as excusing it.
An explanation is not a justification.
The affair was still a choice.
The lies were still choices.
The secrecy was still a choice.
The betrayal was still real.
But if healing is going to happen, both spouses need to understand what was happening inside the unfaithful spouse’s mind during the affair.
Without that understanding, the betrayed spouse often remains stuck in contempt and confusion, while the unfaithful spouse remains stuck in shame and self-condemnation.
Neither position helps a marriage heal.
Six Reasons Affairs Often Go Further Than People Ever Intended
1. We Didn’t Believe It Would Ever Get This Far
Many people who have affairs did not wake up one morning intending to destroy their marriage.
They did not set out planning to have an affair.
They believed they could handle the situation.
They believed they were in control.
They believed they could end the relationship at any time.
They did not recognize how dangerous the situation had become until they were much deeper into it than they ever intended to be.
What seems obvious in hindsight often wasn’t obvious at the time.
2. We Were Not Thinking About the Consequences
Affairs thrive in the present moment.
The future gets pushed aside.
The consequences get pushed aside.
The people who will be hurt get pushed aside.
Many unfaithful spouses avoid thinking about what would happen if the affair were discovered.
They avoid thinking about how their actions would affect their spouse, their children, their family, and even themselves.
The fantasy does not include reality.
And reality eventually arrives.
3. We Entered What Anne and I Often Call “The Affair Box”
Many people are surprisingly good at compartmentalizing.
For a period of time, they separate their affair life from their everyday life.
They function at work.
They attend family events.
They help with the children.
They pay bills.
They continue living what appears to be a normal life.
Meanwhile, a second reality exists that is completely disconnected from the first.
This compartmentalization allows people to continue doing things they would never approve of if they looked at the situation honestly as a whole.
4. We Didn’t Want to Face the Pain
Ending an affair requires facing pain.
Confessing requires facing pain.
Taking responsibility requires facing pain.
Many unfaithful spouses do not want to face:
- their spouse’s hurt
- their spouse’s anger
- their spouse’s disappointment
- their children’s reactions
- the judgment of others
- their own shame
So they avoid.
And avoidance almost always makes things worse.
The longer an affair continues, the more painful the eventual consequences become.
5. We Hoped the Affair Would Somehow End on Its Own
This sounds irrational because it is.
But it happens all the time.
A person knows what they are doing is wrong.
They know it is harming their marriage.
They know it should end.
Yet they do not have the courage to end it.
Instead, they hope circumstances will somehow solve the problem for them.
Maybe the other person will end it.
Maybe feelings will fade.
Maybe things will somehow work themselves out.
Unfortunately, problems rarely solve themselves.
Avoidance simply allows them to grow.
6. Emotions Often Overpower Rational Thinking
Many people are shocked by how irrational they became during an affair.
The excitement.
The secrecy.
The emotional intensity.
The fantasy.
The escape.
All of these things can cloud judgment.
People begin making decisions they would never have imagined making years earlier.
From the outside, those decisions seem completely irrational.
Looking back, many unfaithful spouses agree.
They were irrational.
That does not remove responsibility.
But it does help explain why someone can make choices that seem impossible to understand afterward.
Did They Love Their Spouse?
This is often the question hiding underneath all the others.
If they loved me, how could they do this?
Every situation is different.
But many unfaithful spouses genuinely loved their spouses throughout the affair.
Again, this is not an excuse.
It is simply one of the reasons affairs are so confusing.
Human beings are capable of loving someone and still making choices that deeply hurt them.
People do it with addiction.
People do it with anger.
People do it with dishonesty.
And people do it with affairs.
The existence of love does not eliminate the possibility of destructive behavior.
What Happens After Discovery
Many betrayed spouses imagine that the unfaithful spouse had all the fun while they received all the pain.
What is often invisible is what happens after discovery.
Now the unfaithful spouse must face:
- the pain they caused
- the trust they destroyed
- the people they disappointed
- the values they violated
- the person they see in the mirror
For those who genuinely want to repair the marriage, the journey is often far harder than they imagined.
If healing is going to happen, the perpetrator must eventually turn around and become the healer.
They must answer difficult questions.
They must face anger.
They must rebuild trust.
They must learn how to comfort the person they wounded.
And they must do all of this without knowing whether reconciliation will ultimately succeed.
A Final Thought From Brian
To the betrayed spouse, I want to say this:
Your pain is real.
Your anger makes sense.
Nothing in this article is meant to minimize what happened to you.
But if your spouse is taking responsibility, telling the truth, showing remorse, and doing the hard work of healing, it may help to understand that they were not necessarily sitting there consciously deciding to throw away their marriage and family.
Many were blind to the path they were on until the consequences became unavoidable.
Understanding that truth does not erase the betrayal.
But it can help replace confusion with understanding.
And understanding is often one of the first steps toward healing.
— Brian Bercht