Question:
Dear Anne – How can I make it through Valentine’s Day? It’s supposed to be a day about love, and all I can think about is how I am not loved.
Valentine’s Day After an Affair Can Feel Brutal After Infidelity
I understand.
Valentine’s Day can feel especially painful when you’re in the middle of affair recovery.
Everywhere you look there are flowers, chocolates, romantic commercials, social media posts, and happy couples celebrating their love.
Meanwhile, you’re wondering whether your marriage is even going to survive.
Instead of feeling loved, you feel rejected.
Instead of feeling cherished, you feel forgotten.
Instead of celebrating romance, you’re trying to survive heartbreak.
If that’s where you are today, I want you to know you’re not alone.
And I also want you to know that while Valentine’s Day may feel overwhelming right now, it is only one day. You will make it through this day just like you’ve made it through every difficult day since discovering the affair.
Find Your Redeeming Factors
One of the most helpful lessons I’ve learned over the years is to look for what I call redeeming factors.
When we’re hurting, it’s natural to focus on everything that’s wrong.
But no matter how difficult your circumstances are, there is almost always something that could be worse.
Years ago, I had a client whose husband called from an overseas business trip to inform her that he would not be coming home. Instead, he planned to marry a “friend” he had met there.
To make matters worse, he made this announcement on Valentine’s Day.
He didn’t even realize what day it was.
Talk about a terrible Valentine’s Day.
I’ve worked with people whose spouse’s affair resulted in a child.
Others have contracted a lifelong STD because of their spouse’s choices.
Some discover the affair only after their spouse dies, leaving them with questions that can never be answered.
The stories are heartbreaking.
But one experience taught me something I have never forgotten.
The Woman Who Found Another Woman’s Clothes in Her Closet
Many years ago, while leading a local support group, a woman attended whose story left me speechless.
She suffered from a chronic illness that occasionally required hospitalization.
After one hospital stay, her husband suggested she spend a few weeks recovering at her mother’s home because he was working long hours and wouldn’t be able to care for her properly.
It seemed reasonable.
So she agreed.
A short time later she decided to stop by her home to pick up a few things.
When she arrived, she discovered that all of her belongings had been removed.
Everything.
Another woman’s belongings had been moved in.
When she opened her closet, her own clothes were gone and another woman’s wardrobe hung in their place.
I remember sitting there thinking, That may be the worst story I’ve ever heard.
The following week she returned to the group smiling.
Naturally, I was confused.
“How are you doing so much better already?” I asked.
Her answer changed my perspective forever.
She said:
“Because I realized how much better off I am than many of the rest of you.”
I was stunned.
She explained:
“I have a university education. I can support myself financially. I don’t have children tying me to this situation. I have options. I have a future. I can build a new life if I need to.”
Instead of focusing on everything she had lost, she focused on what remained.
She found her redeeming factors.
And that’s exactly what helped her move forward.
What Are Your Redeeming Factors?
Today I want you to ask yourself:
What is still right in my life?
Make a list.
It might include:
- Your children
- Your faith
- Your health
- Your friends
- Your career
- Your freedom
- Your resilience
- Your future
- The fact that you finally know the truth
The list doesn’t erase your pain.
But it reminds you that your entire life is not defined by this one painful chapter.
Feeling Unloved Is Not the Same as Being Unlovable
One of the deepest wounds after infidelity is the feeling of being unwanted.
Many betrayed spouses quietly conclude:
“If my spouse had an affair, I must not be lovable.”
That is a lie.
Your spouse’s affair does not determine your worth.
Their choices do not define your value.
Their behavior says something about them.
It does not determine who you are.
And if you are the spouse who had the affair, you may be struggling with a different version of the same lie:
“I’ve done something terrible. Therefore I am unlovable.”
That isn’t true either.
People can make terrible choices and still be worthy of love, forgiveness, growth, and redemption.
The goal is not to define yourself by the worst thing that has happened to you—or the worst thing you have done.
Become a Source of Love
Years ago, I developed a habit that has served me well.
Whenever I find myself wishing someone would do something loving for me—call me, encourage me, compliment me, invite me somewhere, or buy me a thoughtful gift—I intentionally do something loving for someone else instead.
Not because I’m pretending I don’t have needs.
Not because I’m ignoring my pain.
But because I refuse to let my happiness depend entirely on what someone else chooses to do.
If I want more kindness in my life, I become kinder.
If I want more encouragement in my life, I encourage someone else.
If I want more love in my life, I become a more loving person.
What we focus on tends to grow.
If we focus entirely on what’s wrong, we experience more of what’s wrong.
If we focus on what’s good, true, noble, and praiseworthy, we begin noticing more of those things too.
A Valentine’s Day Challenge
Today, instead of focusing on who isn’t loving you the way you’d like, ask yourself:
How can I be a loving person today?
Not for your spouse.
Not to earn something.
Not to manipulate an outcome.
Simply because that’s the kind of person you want to be.
It can help to apply these famous words from the Bible to yourself:
*”Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” – 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8
Final Encouragement
You are deeply and completely loved by God – even when imperfect humans don’t show it.