Question:
Dear Anne – In your book you wrote that you realized your husband was having a full-blown sexual relationship with another woman, yet you also allowed him to be intimate with you while you knew the affair was going on. Did you not worry whether it was still safe to have sex with him? Since you didn’t know the health history of the other woman, did you ever worry about your own health or about getting your spouse tested for STDs?
Yes, STD Testing After an Affair Matters
This is a very valid question.
The short answer is yes: today, we recommend that the unfaithful spouse be tested for STDs before sexual intimacy resumes in the marriage.
Your physical health matters.
Your safety matters.
And rebuilding intimacy after an affair should never come at the expense of your physical or emotional well-being.
That said, I also want to answer your question honestly from my own story.
Why I Didn’t Think About STD Testing at the Time
First of all, I had been having sexual relations with my husband for two full months, pretty much every night, while the affair was going on—and I didn’t know.
I didn’t have a clue.
He was often having sex with her at lunch and sex with me at night.
So if he had contracted an STD from her, I most likely had already been exposed.
After disclosure, I wasn’t thinking rationally at all.
No, I wasn’t worried about my health.
I was questioning whether I even wanted to live anymore.
Everything I valued, everything that mattered to me, felt as though it had been stripped away. My life was shattered. I was in a state of emotional trauma.
Getting my spouse tested for STDs simply wasn’t on my radar.
Betrayal Trauma Affects Your Ability to Think Clearly
One of the things many betrayed spouses do not understand at first is how deeply trauma affects the brain.
After my pastor warned me that the other woman might be pregnant, I worried about that for at least two months, adding even more pain to my already heartbreaking trauma.
The strange thing is that I myself had not used birth control in over 12 years because Brian had had a vasectomy.
I worried in vain.
I was unable to process information logically because of the extreme emotional trauma I was under.
Another example is the day I forgot my car.
I “came to” walking around in a strange subdivision wondering where I was, what I was doing, and where I was supposed to be.
People can forget many things.
But your car?
That’s a pretty big item.
In that traumatized emotional state, a logical thought such as, I might get an STD, completely eluded me.
That is why it is so important not to judge yourself harshly for what you did or did not think about immediately after disclosure.
You were in survival mode.
Affair Recovery Can Affect a Couple’s Sex Life in Opposite Ways
An affair often has a huge effect on a couple’s sexual relationship.
In my experience, it usually goes one of two ways.
Response #1: Sex Feels Impossible
Some betrayed spouses cannot bear the thought of being intimate again.
When they try, intrusive images take over.
They visualize their spouse with the affair partner.
They feel disgust, grief, anger, fear, or numbness.
For many, sexual intimacy becomes extremely painful emotionally, even if they still love their spouse.
This response is very common.
Response #2: Sex Becomes More Intense or Frequent
Others react in almost the opposite way.
They become highly sexual.
Sometimes it feels as though they are trying to prove they are more desirable than the affair partner.
Sometimes they are trying to win their spouse back.
Sometimes they are trying to restore their shattered self-image.
This can feel powerful in the moment, but underneath it there is often deep pain.
No betrayed spouse should have to prove their worth sexually after an affair.
I reacted more like this second response.
Looking back, I can see that I was trying to prove my womanhood to myself, regain my shattered self-image, and seduce my husband back to our marriage.
I told my story in my book as it happened—not necessarily as it should have happened.
Our story is not meant to be the standard for what everyone else should do.
We did some things right.
We did some things wrong.
And I want people to learn from both.
Safety Comes Before Intimacy
Today, after many years of helping couples recover from affairs, my recommendation is clear:
Before resuming sexual intimacy, the unfaithful spouse should get tested for STDs.
Depending on the circumstances, the betrayed spouse may also want to be tested.
This is not punishment.
This is not revenge.
This is not being dramatic.
This is basic wisdom.
If your spouse has had sexual contact with someone else, there is real health risk involved. You have a right to protect your body.
Emotional safety matters too.
You may need time before resuming intimacy.
You may need honesty.
You may need tenderness.
You may need reassurance.
You may need proof that the affair has ended.
You may need medical information before you feel safe.
Those needs are valid.
Not Every Request Is the Same Kind of Request
Sometimes people worry that if they ask too much of the unfaithful spouse too soon, they will push them farther away.
There is some wisdom in understanding timing.
A person still in affair fog may already feel overwhelmed, defensive, confused, or unsure whether they can ever meet their spouse’s expectations again.
If they are faced immediately with a long list of demands—counseling, books, programs, disclosure work, accountability systems, family meetings, church meetings, and ten other things—they may panic and run.
That does not mean you should have no boundaries.
It means not every request carries the same urgency.
Some requests are immediate and necessary.
STD testing is one of them.
Ending contact with the affair partner is another.
Basic honesty is another.
Other requests may be important, but they can sometimes be added as the fog clears and the couple begins moving into a more structured recovery process.
The goal is not to create endless hoops for the unfaithful spouse to jump through.
The goal is to create enough safety, truth, and stability that the marriage has a real chance to heal if both people are willing.
Your Health Matters Too
Many betrayed spouses are so focused on saving the marriage that they forget to protect themselves.
Please don’t do that.
Your body matters.
Your emotional safety matters.
Your dignity matters.
Your future matters.
If you are worried about STDs, ask your spouse to be tested.
Speak with your doctor.
Get tested yourself if that is recommended.
Wait to resume sexual intimacy until you have the information and safety you need.
A marriage can only be rebuilt on truth.
And that includes the truth about sexual health.
Final Thoughts
In conclusion, yes, we recommend that the unfaithful spouse be tested for STDs before sexual relations resume in the marriage.
Otherwise, you may be putting yourself at real risk.
I was fortunate.
I could easily have been infected.
If you did not think of this immediately after disclosure, please do not beat yourself up. Betrayal trauma affects your ability to think clearly.
But once the question is in front of you, take it seriously.
You are not being unreasonable.
You are being wise.
Sincerely,
Anne Bercht