So you just found out your spouse has been cheating. I wish I could just come and sit beside you right now and cry with you if need be.
I know how you feel. I was there once too, and I will never forget the moment.
The word most often used by betrayed spouses to describe the emotion that comes over you is “devastated.”
For some, like me, the discovery comes completely out of nowhere. One moment life feels normal. The next, everything you believed about your marriage has been blown apart. Only for the hero inside us to arise from the ashes too, I might add.
Sometimes discovery of the affair can also come with a sense of relief, because for days, months, possibly years, you’ve sensed something was “off,” but every time you confronted your spouse they always had some way of explaining away your suspicions. You’ve been the victim of gaslighting, and it’s left you feeling like a crazy person, and sometimes even guilty for suspecting cheating.
Now there is a sense of relief in that the feelings you’ve been having finally make sense, and now you know you aren’t crazy. Your gut instincts weren’t lying to you.
Years ago one of our clients wrote the following words at three o’clock in the morning on the night her husband disclosed his affairs.
If you’re reading this in the middle of your own pain, I hope her words remind you that you are not alone.
Journal Entry on The Night A Husband’s Infidelity is Exposed
“So finally – the truth. I am relieved as I am nauseous…I feel more pity for him then sadness for me…fear and anxiety for our daughter!
“For the first time I really feel separate from him, even though in my spirit our covenant was broken a long time ago, now in my heart and mind I feel betrayed.
“He seems relieved – no idea…no idea the total impact. Impact! Dead on impact. Maybe I have confused separateness with the feeling of being dead.
“There really is nothing left…no more surprises… no more discoveries… no more mind games. It is no longer “An Affair of the mind” it is cut and dry adultery.
“All that time I was worrying and waiting for him. All that time I spent consumed with him. I am sorry Lord for being such a fool.
“You say you won’t give us more than we can bear… the tears fall like rain drops…the pain is physically exhausting but I am still here…
“Now what? One breath and then another…Now I know better – he knows better.
“What I thought I had is no longer. Part of me is gone. All the hard work, all the nice favors and this is how I am rewarded…with junk?
“Bloody, filthy, dirty and disgusting junk.Who do you think you are? What were you thinking? Obviously not about me or our future. Obviously not about our family or the legacy you or we are leaving behind.
“I used to be so happy and I know I will be again because my God is a great God. His eye is on the sparrow and I know he watches me.
“Lord I give up. I am not even going to pretend to be brave because I am actually totally broken. I give up. I don’t want this anymore. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t Lord. I can’t Lord. I can’t Lord. My heart is completely shattered.
“I stand naked before you Lord. I will clothe you in righteousness.
“I have been robbed and treated unjust. Let me bring justice.
“There are still many days ahead and my covering is upon you. You are at my side and I am delighted you have come. Come. Come.
“I am here.
“I want you near with me.
“Sit in the light for a while and soak in my presence. Be still and know I am God. I have not forgotten you. I have been waiting for our time.
“I am sorry I took so long. Please fill me Lord.
“I give you my peace and I give you my rest. I give you running water so you thirst no more. Never again do you have to stand on the outside looking in for we can be together forever. No more distance. No more distractions. Just you and me. It is our time now. There is sweet fruit to satisfy your hunger. This is our hilltop, this is our mountain and I am your help. I will save you. I will give your rest. I love our time together.
“I am sorry I didn’t come sooner. I am glad for our time now.
“What’s ahead Lord? Not to worry I will take care of you. I will look after you. I will satisfy you.
“How long can I stay?
“Forever and always!”
– An Affair Survivor on the night the betrayal was exposed.
A Final Note From Anne
If this is your story tonight, take a deep breath.
You can and you will make it through this. That said…
You do not have to figure out the rest of your life before morning.
One breath.
Then another.
That’s enough for today.
If you are a Christian you are going to discover that Jesus is indeed your Wonderful Counselor.