When someone you love says they are leaving the marriage, what should you do?
Do you respect their decision and step back?
Do you wait patiently and hope they come to their senses?
Or do you fight for your marriage?
Many people are uncomfortable with the word fight. They picture yelling, arguing, pleading, chasing, controlling, or trying to force someone to stay.
That’s not what I mean.
When I talk about fighting for your marriage, I’m talking about fighting for truth, healing, your values, healthy boundaries, and the possibility of reconciliation when reconciliation is appropriate.
Sometimes fighting for your marriage means refusing to give up too soon.
Sometimes it means refusing to participate in unhealthy patterns.
And sometimes it means having enough self-respect to stop enabling destructive behavior.
The Thing Is Not About the Thing
One of our sayings at Beyond Affairs is:
“The thing is not about the thing.”
When someone is involved in an affair, they often begin rewriting the story of the marriage in their own mind.
Suddenly the reasons they give for leaving don’t make sense.
“We don’t laugh together anymore.”
“You’re too controlling.”
“You don’t like sports.”
The complaints may contain a grain of truth, or they may not. But often they are not the real issue.
Many people involved in affairs struggle to face the reality of what they are doing. To avoid painful self-reflection, they shift the focus onto the marriage or their spouse.
This leaves the betrayed spouse feeling shocked, confused, rejected, and desperate to understand what happened.
Even if your marriage had problems—as all marriages do—you never imagined it would come to this.
Don’t Let Anxiety Make Your Decisions
When a relationship is in crisis, anxiety takes over.
You find yourself asking:
“What did I do wrong?”
“How did I miss this?”
“What if I make things worse?”
“What if I lose them forever?”
Part of you lives in the past.
Part of you lives in the future.
Neither is helpful.
The past cannot be changed.
The future cannot be controlled.
The healthiest place to live is in the present.
What are you feeling right now?
What do you need right now?
What is the next wise step you can take today?
Own your feelings.
Learn from the past.
Prepare for the future.
But live in the present.
The Responsibility Continuum
Over the years I’ve noticed that people generally fall into one of three categories.
The Irresponsible
These people blame others for their problems.
They break promises.
They avoid accountability.
They make poor choices and expect others to clean up the mess.
They often create chaos for everyone around them.
The Overly Responsible
These people carry far too much responsibility.
They apologize constantly.
They take responsibility for other people’s feelings.
They fix problems that aren’t theirs to fix.
They say yes when they want to say no.
They often tolerate behavior that should never be tolerated.
The Responsible
Healthy people live in the middle.
They take responsibility for themselves.
They do not take responsibility for everyone else.
They have compassion.
They also have boundaries.
Most betrayed spouses who come to us are not irresponsible.
They’re overly responsible.
They spend enormous amounts of energy trying to save everyone, fix everything, and hold the entire family together.
In the process, they often lose themselves.
What Fighting for Your Marriage Is Not
This is important.
Fighting for your marriage is not:
- Begging
- Pleading
- Chasing
- Manipulating
- Controlling
- Threatening
- Shaming
- Bullying
- Harassing
- Constantly arguing
- Ignoring healthy boundaries
It is not wrapping yourself around someone’s leg as they walk out the door.
It is not sacrificing your dignity.
It is not tolerating abuse.
And it is certainly not abandoning your values in an effort to keep another person.
Desperation is not attractive.
Neediness is not strength.
Losing yourself is not love.
What Fighting for Your Marriage Actually Looks Like
Fighting for your marriage often looks much different than people imagine.
It means telling the truth.
It means setting healthy boundaries.
It means refusing to enable destructive behavior.
It means being willing to have difficult conversations.
It means continuing to grow, heal, and become healthier yourself.
It means courage.
It means dignity.
It means self-respect.
Most importantly, it means fighting for what is right—not simply fighting to keep another person.
What I Did When My Husband Left
When my husband left me for another woman, I did not have a formula.
I did not know how the story would end.
I simply knew that in my heart I was not ready to give up.
I believed my husband was a good man who had lost his way.
I believed our marriage was worth fighting for.
And I believed God was bigger than the mess we were facing.
Some of my actions were unconventional.
I confronted difficult realities.
I had hard conversations.
I asked trusted people to speak truth into my husband’s life.
I held healthy boundaries around what I would and would not accept.
I refused to quietly cooperate with the destruction of our marriage.
But there were also things I refused to do.
I did not scream.
I did not publicly humiliate him.
I did not seek revenge.
I did not create scenes.
I did not break laws.
I did not damage property.
I did not abandon my values.
Looking back, I wasn’t fighting against my husband.
I was fighting for truth.
I was fighting for healing.
I was fighting for the possibility that our story wasn’t over yet.
You Cannot Control the Outcome
This is perhaps the hardest lesson of all.
You cannot control another person.
You cannot make someone love you.
You cannot force someone to change.
You cannot single-handedly save a marriage.
The outcome is not entirely in your hands.
What is in your hands is how you respond.
Will you respond with courage or fear?
With wisdom or desperation?
With dignity or self-abandonment?
Those choices belong to you.
So, Should You Fight for Your Marriage?
Only you can answer that question.
Some marriages can and should be saved.
Some relationships are unhealthy enough that separation or divorce may ultimately be the healthiest path.
Strength is not found in staying.
Strength is not found in leaving.
Strength is found in making the decision that is right for you.
If you choose to fight for your marriage, do it with integrity.
Do it with courage.
Do it with healthy boundaries.
Do it without losing yourself.
Fight for truth.
Fight for healing.
Fight for your values.
Fight for the possibility of reconciliation when reconciliation is appropriate.
And remember:
You cannot control another person’s choices.
But you can choose the kind of person you will be while the story unfolds.
Be strong and courageous.
Sincerely,
Anne Bercht