Question:
Dear Anne,
I am the other woman.
I ended the affair nearly five years ago. Today his wife contacted me, and now she knows.
I cannot take back the pain I caused, but I want to do the most loving thing I can for her and for their marriage now. I need your advice.
After I ended the affair with my former boss years ago, I bought your book and read it because I wanted to understand what I had done to her and to their family. I beat myself up over it.
I do not speak to him anymore, so I do not know how she found out or whether she only suspects. I wanted to tell her a couple of years ago, but he begged me not to. I prayed about it and talked with my best friend. Eventually I concluded that telling her then may have been more about relieving my own guilt than actually helping her or their family.
I am now in a strong place with my faith, and I ache to do anything I can to help her and the family.
Should I meet with her and talk?
Should I respond to the message she sent me?
Should I write her a letter?
Should I send her your book?
I do not want this to be about sharing sordid details or trying to make her think I had something special with him. I do not want to make this about me.
I also know he had several long-term affairs and one-night stands, at least one of which she had already discovered. Woman to woman, I do not want her to keep being in the dark.
I have this feeling that maybe now is the time for healing for all of us, and if I stay hidden, their marriage may never have a chance.
Can you share any advice with me?
Answer:
First, I want to acknowledge your remorse.
Not everyone who has been involved in an affair reaches the place you are describing. Many people minimize, justify, hide, defend themselves, or try to move on without ever facing the pain they helped create.
You are asking a very important question:
How do I do what is truly helpful now, rather than simply what relieves my own guilt?
That is the right question.
There is no perfect script for a situation like this. Every marriage, affair, and betrayed spouse is different. But there are principles that can help guide you.
Start With Humility
If the wife has contacted you, I do think it is kind to respond.
But the tone matters enormously.
This is not the time to explain yourself, defend yourself, blame him, describe your pain, or try to prove how much you have changed.
This is the time for humility.
A helpful response might sound something like this:
I am deeply sorry for the pain I caused you and your family. I will not make excuses for my part in what happened. I understand if you are angry, hurt, or want nothing from me. If there is anything I can truthfully answer that would help you, I am willing to do that. I will follow your lead and respect whatever boundaries you need.
That kind of response communicates remorse without taking over her healing process.
Let Her Lead
The betrayed spouse should be the one to decide what she needs.
She may want answers.
She may want nothing from you.
She may want to write to you once and never hear from you again.
She may want to meet.
She may want to ask questions slowly over time.
She may be furious.
She may be calm.
She may change her mind repeatedly.
That is part of trauma.
Your role is not to decide what would help her. Your role is to be honest, humble, and respectful if she asks for your participation.
Do Not Make It About Your Relief
You already showed wisdom when you recognized that telling her years ago may have been more about relieving your guilt than helping her.
That distinction matters.
Sometimes people confess because they want to feel clean again. They want to unload the burden. They want forgiveness. They want the pain of secrecy to end.
But disclosure should not be used as a way to transfer your pain onto the betrayed spouse so you can feel better.
If she has now reached out to you, the situation has changed. She is asking, or at least opening the door. That makes a response appropriate.
But continue to examine your motives.
Before responding, ask yourself:
Am I trying to help her heal, or am I trying to make myself feel better?
The answer may not be perfectly pure. Few human motives are. But your guiding purpose should be her healing, not your relief.
Tell the Truth With Thoughtfulness and Love
If she asks questions, answer truthfully.
Do not lie to protect yourself.
Do not lie to protect him.
Do not minimize.
Do not exaggerate.
Do not dramatize.
Do not offer unnecessary details she has not asked for.
There is a difference between truthful disclosure and careless disclosure.
Some betrayed spouses need many details in order to make sense of what happened. Others do not want graphic information. Only she can decide what she needs to know.
A good principle is:
Answer what she asks, truthfully and gently.
If you do not remember something clearly, say so.
If you do remember, do not pretend you do not.
If the truth is painful, still speak with compassion.
Do Not Protect the Affair Partner at Her Expense
You mentioned that he had other long-term affairs and one-night stands.
That is serious information.
A betrayed spouse cannot make wise decisions about her marriage if she is being kept in the dark about the reality of her own life.
At the same time, this is delicate.
You do not need to dump every piece of information on her all at once in an attempt to “fix” the situation.
But if she asks whether there were others, or whether you know of other betrayals, I would not lie.
The betrayed spouse deserves truth.
Should You Meet With Her?
Possibly, but I would not begin there.
I would start with a written response.
Writing gives you time to choose your words carefully. It also gives her space to read, react, and decide what she wants next.
A face-to-face meeting may be helpful in some cases, but only if she wants it and both of you are emotionally prepared.
If a meeting does happen, go with a servant heart.
Do not go to be understood.
Do not go to be forgiven.
Do not go to explain why it happened.
Go only if your purpose is to help her, answer truthfully, and take responsibility for your part.
Should You Send Her a Book?
I would not send a book as your first response.
Even a helpful book can feel offensive if it comes too soon or from the wrong person. My book, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me, has helped many betrayed spouses, but the title could be painful or easily misunderstood coming directly from the affair partner.
If later she asks what helped you understand the damage you caused, you could say something like:
One resource that helped me understand the pain of betrayal was Anne Bercht’s book. I would never want to push anything on you, but it helped me see more clearly how wrong my actions were.
Let her decide whether she wants it.
Ask for Forgiveness Carefully
It is appropriate to express remorse.
It may also be appropriate to ask forgiveness.
But be careful not to place pressure on her to give it.
Forgiveness is not something you are owed.
You might say:
I hope one day you may be able to forgive me, but I understand that forgiveness is yours to give or not give. I do not expect it. I simply want you to know I am deeply sorry.
That kind of apology gives dignity back to the person who was harmed.
What True Amends Looks Like
Making amends is not the same as saying, “I’m sorry.”
True amends may include:
- telling the truth when asked
- refusing to protect deception
- respecting her boundaries
- not contacting him
- not inserting yourself unnecessarily
- accepting her anger without defending yourself
- praying for her healing without trying to control the outcome
- doing your own continued work so you never repeat this pattern
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is speak.
Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is stay quiet after you have answered what was asked.
Wisdom is knowing the difference.
A Word About Faith
You mentioned your faith, and I respect that deeply.
A contrite heart matters.
But faith should never be used to rush someone else’s healing.
God may be doing a healing work in you, but the wife’s healing belongs to her own journey and timetable.
If God is leading you toward truth, humility, and accountability, follow that.
But do not assume that a peaceful outcome will happen quickly or that she will respond the way you hope.
Your job is obedience, humility, honesty, and compassion.
The outcome is not yours to control.
Final Thoughts
If the wife has reached out, I would respond.
I would begin with a humble written apology.
I would acknowledge the harm, avoid excuses, and tell her you are willing to answer questions truthfully if that would help her.
Let her lead.
I would not send the book immediately.
I would not ask her to comfort you, nor make yourself the center of the story.
You cannot undo the past. But you can refuse to continue the secrecy.
You can tell the truth. And you can respect her pain.
Make amends where possible, and become the kind of woman who never again participates in the destruction of another woman’s marriage.
That is meaningful.
Frequently Asked Questions
Should the other woman respond if the wife contacts her?
In most cases, yes. A humble, honest response can be appropriate if the betrayed spouse has reached out. The response should focus on remorse, truth, and respect for her boundaries.
Should the affair partner tell the betrayed spouse everything?
The betrayed spouse should be allowed to decide what she wants to know. Answer her questions truthfully, but do not force unwanted details on her.
Is it selfish to confess an affair years later?
It can be, depending on the motive. If confession is mainly about relieving your guilt, it may cause unnecessary harm. If the betrayed spouse reaches out or needs truth to make informed decisions, honesty may be an important part of repair.
Should the other woman ask for forgiveness?
She may express remorse and ask forgiveness gently, but she should not expect or demand it. Forgiveness belongs to the betrayed spouse.
Can the affair partner help the betrayed spouse heal?
Sometimes honest answers and genuine remorse from the affair partner can help a betrayed spouse make sense of what happened. In other cases, the most respectful thing is to answer what is asked and then step back.