Over the years, I have received many emails from women who found themselves involved with married men.
Some were single.
Some were married themselves.
Some knew from the beginning that the man was married.
Others were drawn into emotional intimacy gradually and found themselves emotionally attached before they fully understood what was happening.
While every situation is unique, I noticed the same themes appearing again and again.
The details changed.
The emotions did not.
Many of these women genuinely loved the man they were involved with. They hoped that somehow everyone could be happy in the end. They wanted to believe their situation was different.
If you find yourself in this position, I want to speak to you honestly, but also with compassion.
My goal is not to condemn you.
My goal is to help you see clearly.
You Are Only Hearing One Side of the Story
One of the most common things I hear from affair partners is some version of this:
“My married boyfriend says his wife doesn’t understand him.”
“He says they haven’t been happy for years.”
“He says she doesn’t appreciate him.”
“He says they’re basically roommates.”
“He says he is only staying for the children.”
Perhaps all of that is true.
Perhaps some of it is true.
But understand this:
You are only hearing one side of the story.
Most people who become involved in affairs do not present themselves as the villain in their own story.
To justify their choices, they often focus heavily on what is wrong in their marriage while minimizing their own contributions to the problems.
This does not necessarily mean they are intentionally lying.
Many genuinely believe their version of events.
But relationships are rarely as one-sided as they appear.
A healthy person recognizes there are always two sides to a marriage.
Affairs Thrive in Fantasy
One reason affairs feel so powerful is because they exist largely outside ordinary life.
The affair partner does not have to deal with:
- the mortgage
- household responsibilities
- parenting stress
- financial pressures
- aging parents
- illness
- laundry
- school schedules
- years of accumulated disappointments
Instead, the relationship exists in carefully selected moments.
People show each other their best side.
Conversations are often emotionally intense.
The relationship feels exciting, validating, and alive.
Many affair partners mistake this intensity for proof that they have found their soulmate.
In reality, what they are often experiencing is fantasy.
That does not mean the feelings are fake.
The feelings can be very real.
But real feelings do not automatically mean the relationship is healthy or sustainable.
If They Are Dishonest With Their Spouse, They Are Likely Being Dishonest With You Too
This is one of the hardest truths for affair partners to accept.
Many believe:
“He would never lie to me.”
But think about what is already happening.
If he is lying to his wife, hiding communication, concealing meetings, manipulating information, or living a double life, then deception has already become part of his character.
A person who is dishonest in one important relationship does not suddenly become completely honest in another.
This does not mean every word is a lie.
It means you cannot assume every word is the truth.
One of the most painful realities for many affair partners is discovering that the promises made to them were never fully real.
Not because the married person intended to be cruel, but because they were often confused themselves.
People caught in affairs frequently tell everyone what they need to hear in order to keep their world from collapsing.
Why Married People Often Stay
Many affair partners ask:
“If he loves me, why doesn’t he leave?”
The answer is often more complicated than either person wants it to be.
Sometimes they stay because they genuinely love their spouse.
Sometimes they stay because they love both people.
Sometimes they stay because they fear hurting their children.
Sometimes they stay because they are afraid of the consequences.
Sometimes they stay because the fantasy of leaving is easier than the reality of leaving.
What I have learned over the years is this:
Many people who say they are going to leave never do.
And many who genuinely believe they will leave eventually change their minds when faced with the reality of what divorce would cost.
This is one reason affair relationships often become incredibly painful for the affair partner.
They spend years waiting for a future that never arrives.
How He Treats His Wife Matters
Some affair partners believe:
“He treats me differently.”
And perhaps right now he does.
But pay attention to how he handles difficult situations.
Does he avoid responsibility?
Does he blame others for his choices?
Does he rewrite history?
Does he justify behavior that hurts people?
Does he struggle to communicate honestly?
Those patterns do not magically disappear if the relationship becomes official.
Healthy relationships are built on character, not chemistry.
Chemistry may attract you.
Character determines whether the relationship survives.
You Deserve More Than Being Someone’s Secret
This is the part I wish every affair partner could truly understand.
You deserve more than stolen moments.
You deserve more than waiting.
You deserve more than being hidden.
You deserve more than wondering whether someone will choose you.
You deserve a relationship where both people are fully available.
Where there are no lies.
No secrecy.
No divided loyalties.
No competing commitments.
No waiting for someone else’s marriage to end.
Many affair partners settle for far less than they deserve because they become emotionally attached to someone who is unavailable.
The deeper question is not:
“How do I get him?”
The deeper question is:
“Why am I willing to accept second place?”
That question often leads to profound personal growth and healing.
Focus on Your Own Healing
If you are involved with a married person right now, my encouragement is simple:
Step back.
Get honest with yourself.
Ask what kind of relationship you truly want.
Ask what kind of partner you want to be.
Ask what patterns in your own life may have contributed to finding yourself in this situation.
This is not about shame.
It is about growth.
The goal is not merely to end an affair.
The goal is to become the kind of person who no longer finds unavailable people attractive.
The Truth Sets You Free
The truth is often painful.
But the truth is also liberating.
Affairs rarely deliver the future they promise.
They create pain for spouses.
Pain for children.
Pain for families.
And very often, tremendous pain for the affair partner as well.
You do not need to spend your life waiting for someone who cannot fully choose you.
You deserve a love that is honest.
A love that is available.
A love that does not require secrecy.
And the sooner you embrace that truth, the sooner you can begin building the kind of life and relationship you truly deserve.