Question
Dear Anne –
Next week will be the anniversary of D-Day. When I think of all the lies my husband told me, my heart breaks. Today, my husband is very remorseful, has come completely clean, and he feels repulsed by what he did and how much he hurt me. He wants to move on.
“Why do we even have to bring up her name ever again?” he asks.
I’m doing better, but I’m not over it yet. I still need to talk about it. How do we make it through this anniversary date?
Anne’s Answer
Often life affords me a personal experience that better prepares me to answer the questions we receive every day from people whose marriages have experienced the trauma of an affair.
Affairs can feel life-shattering. They destroy trust, devastate families, emotionally hijack our minds, and leave the betrayed spouse feeling as though their hopes and dreams have been shattered. It can feel as if your entire life has been a lie and that nothing is safe and no one can be trusted.
Many betrayed spouses experience symptoms commonly associated with trauma, including intrusive memories, nightmares, emotional flooding, hypervigilance, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, irritability, sleep disturbances, shame, guilt, and powerful emotional reactions to reminders of what happened.
Because of this, approaching the anniversary of D-Day—or any significant date connected to the affair—often creates anxiety.
People wonder:
“How am I going to get through this day?”
The good news is that anniversary reactions are normal. They do not mean you are moving backward. They simply mean that your mind and body remember what happened.
Why Affair Anniversaries Can Be So Difficult
A D-Day anniversary can stir up memories, emotions, and physical reactions even when your marriage is improving.
Many betrayed spouses feel confused when old pain resurfaces.
“I thought I was doing better.”
You probably are.
Healing is rarely a straight line. Significant dates often reactivate grief, fear, sadness, anger, and loss. Knowing this is normal can help reduce the anxiety surrounding the day itself.
Recently, Brian and I experienced an anniversary of our own, although of a different nature.
Last Easter we spent with our son Dustin, his wife, and some of our grandchildren. Never in a million years would any of us have imagined that our son had only a few weeks to live.
The pain of losing a child is difficult to describe. The empty place it leaves in your heart and the finality of it are harsh realities to bear.
As Easter approached this year, I found myself feeling anxious in much the same way betrayed spouses often describe when a painful anniversary approaches. I wasn’t just thinking about Easter. I was thinking about what Easter represented.
That’s often what anniversary dates do. They become attached to memories, emotions, and losses we are still processing.
12 Strategies for Getting Through a Painful Anniversary
1. Remember That Anticipation Is Often Worse Than the Day Itself
Many people spend days or weeks dreading an anniversary only to discover the actual day was more manageable than they expected.
Anxiety tends to magnify future pain.
2. Make a Plan for the Day
Don’t leave the day entirely to chance.
Consider how you want to spend it. Create space for healing, reflection, support, and even enjoyment.
Aim to create new memories while honoring your experience.
3. Consider Using Healthy Distraction
Sometimes it helps to do something different than you normally would.
If the anniversary is connected to a holiday, you may choose to celebrate differently than you have in the past.
During Easter, I intentionally created a plan that included church, brunch, and a movie. Having structure helped me navigate the day rather than simply endure it.
4. Tell Someone Your Plan
Share your intentions with someone who cares about you.
Supportive people can help you stay grounded and provide encouragement if emotions become overwhelming.
5. Avoid Isolation
While everyone needs some quiet reflection, painful anniversaries are often harder when faced completely alone.
Allow trusted people to support you.
6. Create Space for Grief
Don’t stuff your feelings.
If tears come, let them come.
If anger surfaces, acknowledge it.
Some people find it meaningful to create a ritual, ceremony, or symbolic act that helps them process their loss.
One woman told me her husband had sex with another woman on the couch in their living room. As she approached an anniversary that felt especially difficult, I suggested they burn the couch and replace it. Since they lived on an acreage and could do so safely, it became a symbolic way of reclaiming their home and marking a new beginning.
7. Decide What You Want Future Anniversaries to Become
Consider whether there are traditions, holidays, or family events you want to preserve rather than permanently connect to your pain.
Our son died on May 13. One year that date fell directly on Mother’s Day.
After much thought, I decided I did not want Mother’s Day to become defined by tragedy for my grandchildren. I would honor my son privately, but I would also allow Mother’s Day to remain Mother’s Day.
Sometimes healing involves deciding that the painful event does not get to own every future celebration.
8. Leave Room for Good Things to Happen
This is partly an attitude shift.
Instead of expecting only pain, leave room for the possibility that something meaningful, comforting, or even joyful could happen.
Your past does not have to dictate your future.
On Easter morning, I found myself awake in the early hours wrestling with fear and sadness. My thoughts drifted toward worry about what future losses might still await.
Eventually I fell asleep and had a dream.
In the dream, God spoke to me and said:
“Dustin asked me to pass along a message: ‘Mom, why are you worrying? Don’t you realize God is watching over you every moment? He is working out His plan for your life—and it’s a very good one.'”
The message brought me tremendous peace.
Whatever you believe about dreams, I was grateful my heart was open to receive comfort that day.
9. Work Toward Acceptance and Forgiveness
Acceptance does not mean approving of what happened.
Forgiveness does not mean excusing it.
Rather, forgiveness involves releasing the desire to remain trapped in bitterness, revenge, or hatred.
You cannot change what happened.
You can choose how you respond moving forward.
10. Decide What Kind of Person You Want to Be
Determine who you want to become despite your suffering.
I want to be a joyful woman whom people enjoy being around.
That doesn’t mean I ignore pain.
It means I process my pain while refusing to let it become my identity.
Sometimes we must give ourselves permission to enjoy life again.
11. Focus on Gratitude
Even during painful seasons, there are blessings worth noticing.
Gratitude does not erase suffering, but it helps keep suffering from becoming the only thing we see.
12. Focus on Your Purpose
Why are you here?
What do you want your life to stand for?
Painful experiences often tempt us to narrow our world.
Purpose helps us expand it again.
We may never fully understand why certain tragedies, betrayals, or losses happen. But we can still choose to live as a force for good in the world.
Sometimes that simply means offering kindness, compassion, and hope to the people we encounter today.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to struggle on the anniversary of discovering an affair?
Yes. Anniversary reactions are common after betrayal trauma. Many people experience increased sadness, anxiety, anger, or intrusive memories as significant dates approach.
Why does the anniversary of an affair hurt so much?
Your brain associates certain dates with emotionally significant events. Even when healing is taking place, anniversary dates can reactivate memories and emotions connected to the original trauma.
Should I talk to my spouse about the anniversary?
In most cases, yes. A remorseful spouse can often provide reassurance, support, and understanding. Ignoring the anniversary completely may leave the betrayed spouse feeling unseen or alone.
Will anniversary reactions always be this intense?
Usually not. Most people find that anniversary reactions become less intense over time as healing progresses, although significant dates may continue to hold emotional meaning.
Final Thoughts
I love what Scott Peck says in his classic book, The Road Less Traveled:
“Life is difficult.”
This is one of the great truths of life.
Once we accept that life includes suffering, loss, disappointment, and hardship, we stop being shocked by those realities. We stop fighting reality itself.
The painful things that have happened to you matter.
But they do not have to define you.
You can grieve.
You can heal.
You can create new memories.
And you can move forward while still honoring what you’ve lost.