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Discovering an affair often creates emotional shock, betrayal trauma, confusion, and panic.

Distraught Korean woman in emotional shock after discovering her spouse’s affair

Question

Dear Anne,

I’m devastated. I just found out my husband is having an affair and I can barely function. I am shocked. My husband was a good man and we had a good marriage. I’ve been completely blindsided by this and I feel like an utter fool.

I guess I’ve always judged others when this happened to them. I thought affairs happened to people who’d neglected their marriages or didn’t really love each other.

I don’t even know where to start.

Probably the most devastating thing for me right now is the fact that the other woman thinks she is going to marry my husband, and my husband seems like he is leaving me for her.

I just don’t know what to do. Where do I start? Is there any hope for my marriage? What in the world am I supposed to do?

Anne’s Answer

NOTE: As I answer this person who is obviously a woman whose husband had an affair, the advice is the same for men whose wives have been unfaithful.

I’m so glad you’ve found us, because we can help.

I understand how you feel. I was there once.

I can assure you that there is indeed hope for your marriage. One of the themes that runs through my book, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing that Ever Happened to Me, is:

“It ain’t over ‘til it’s over.”

Right now, however, your first priority is not fixing your marriage.
Your first priority is stabilizing yourself emotionally.

The Shock of Discovering Infidelity

The first days, weeks, and even months after discovering an affair are often a time of chaos, numbness, panic, and shock.

Many betrayed spouses experience symptoms similar to betrayal trauma or mild PTSD after cheating, including:

  • inability to sleep,
  • obsessive thinking,
  • emotional flooding,
  • hypervigilance,
  • anxiety,
  • difficulty eating,
  • and difficulty concentrating.

Many people say:

“I barely recognize myself.”

This emotional trauma is real.

As scared as you might be, the best thing you can do right now is slow down, because:

slow is fast when it comes to healing after infidelity.

I wish I had a pill I could give you that would make all the pain go away. But there is no such pill.

In fact, the truth of the matter is, as much as we may want to escape the pain, there is no escaping it.

The way out is through.

Face what is happening to you head on.
Lean into the pain.
Not all at once, but gradually and honestly.

First: Take Care of Yourself

One of the biggest mistakes betrayed spouses make after discovering infidelity is completely neglecting themselves physically and emotionally.

Right now your body and nervous system are under enormous stress.

Eat.

Make sure you get some nutrition into your system. You are going to be facing some of the biggest decisions of your life over the coming days and months. Your brain is not at its optimal when it is starved for nutrition.

Then sleep.

For most people this becomes extremely difficult after discovering an affair. If necessary, speak with a doctor, counselor, or trusted professional to help address severe sleep deprivation.

You do not need to solve your whole marriage today.

You simply need to survive today.

Get Support Immediately

Suffering in isolation makes affair recovery much more difficult.

We generally recommend three to five support people. This may include:

  • trusted friends,
  • a counselor or coach,
  • support groups,
  • or a pastor or spiritual advisor.

A good rule of thumb is this:

if you consistently feel better after speaking with someone, they are probably a healthy support person.

If you consistently feel worse, more chaotic, or more hopeless afterward, you may need different support.

You were never meant to carry this kind of pain entirely alone.

Don’t Make Major Decisions Too Quickly

One of the most important pieces of advice I give betrayed spouses is:

don’t make major decisions while overwhelmed by emotional shock.

When emotions are heightened, judgment is impaired.

Many people desperately want immediate certainty:

  • Should I leave?
  • Should I stay?
  • Can I ever trust again?
  • Is my marriage over?

Right now you do not need all the answers.

Give yourself time.

Unless there is abuse or immediate danger, I generally encourage people to wait at least several months before making irreversible life decisions.

The emotional intensity immediately after disclosure is not the best state from which to make permanent decisions.

Why Affairs Create So Much Emotional Trauma

One of the hardest parts of affair recovery is that it shatters your understanding of reality.

You thought your marriage was one thing.
Now suddenly it feels like everything was a lie.

The betrayed spouse often feels:

  • humiliated,
  • foolish,
  • rejected,
  • abandoned,
  • and emotionally unsafe.

Meanwhile the unfaithful spouse often seems like a completely different person.

This is deeply confusing.

Many betrayed spouses tell me:

“Black is white and white is black.”

That feeling makes sense.

Because in order for a good person to have an affair, they generally have to engage in a tremendous amount of self-deception.

Never mind the fact that they’ve been lying to you.
Often they’ve also been lying to themselves.

Truth becomes distorted.

Why Communication Often Feels Impossible After an Affair

Communication after infidelity is incredibly difficult.

The betrayed spouse feels:

  • angry,
  • terrified,
  • desperate for answers,
  • and unable to trust anything being said.

The unfaithful spouse often feels:

  • defensive,
  • ashamed,
  • misunderstood,
  • emotionally overwhelmed,
  • or trapped.

Many couples end up having what I call:

dual monologues.

Both people are desperately trying to express their own pain and be heard, but nobody is truly listening.

The betrayed spouse often feels the unfaithful spouse has no credibility.
The unfaithful spouse often feels the betrayed spouse is too emotional or impossible to talk to.

And remember:
the unfaithful spouse has often engaged in enormous amounts of self-deception to get into this situation in the first place.

One of the most common things we hear from the unfaithful spouse is:

“My situation is different.”

With all due respect, yes, every situation is unique. But there are also very recognizable patterns that tend to follow affairs.

You Cannot Hurt Your Way to Healing

This may be one of the most important things I can tell you.

At the end of the day, it is often not only the affair itself that causes the greatest long-term damage, but also the destructive reactions that follow disclosure.

Unfaithful spouses continue to lie because they are afraid to tell the truth.
Trickle truth we call it.

Betrayed spouses sometimes lose their dignity in their anger and say or do things that create even more damage to an already shattered relationship and family.

The pain is enormous.
The rage is understandable.

But:

you cannot hurt your way to healing.

Healing requires truth, courage, support, patience, and emotional growth from both people.

There Is Still Hope

Right now it may feel impossible to imagine anything good ever emerging from this pain.

But please hear me:

it ain’t over ‘til it’s over.

I have seen many marriages heal after affairs.
I have also seen individuals rebuild beautiful lives even when marriages did not survive.

What matters most right now is not forcing immediate answers.

What matters is stabilizing yourself emotionally, surrounding yourself with wise support, educating yourself about affairs and betrayal trauma, and taking one day at a time.

Because each situation is unique, and emotions are so heightened during this stage, you are going to need wisdom and guidance.

But healing is possible.

And you do not have to walk through this alone.

By Anne Bercht