Question
Dear Anne,
I have just finished your book and thought it was wonderful. I could relate to many of the feelings, thoughts, and experiences you described. It was uncanny reading words that matched what I have been feeling and agonizing over.
My situation is quite similar to yours. My husband and I seem to be idling in neutral right now. He is going to counseling by himself to decide whether he wants to work on the marriage.
I feel helpless at this point. There really is nothing I can do. I have told him how I feel.
I am trying to focus on myself despite the tearing-apart feeling I have inside. The emotional rollercoaster has been overwhelming.
Do you have any advice for me in the meantime?
I am doing a lot of reading and trying to take care of myself physically, although the lack of sleep is beginning to take its toll.
Answer
First, I want to tell you that you are doing better than you think you are.
Everything you describe suggests that you are handling an incredibly difficult situation in a healthy way.
You have expressed your feelings.
You have made your desire for the marriage clear.
And now you are facing one of the hardest realities in affair recovery:
You cannot make another person choose.
As painful as it is, your husband’s decision belongs to him.
Your healing belongs to you.
Living in Limbo
I think it helps to understand that living in limbo — not knowing what your future holds — is one of the hardest psychological states for any human being to endure.
Most of us can cope with bad news.
Most of us can cope with difficult circumstances.
What is extraordinarily difficult is uncertainty.
Not knowing.
Waiting.
Feeling as though your future is suspended while someone else decides what happens next.
The picture that best describes this comes from the movie Cast Away starring Tom Hanks.
If you’ve seen the movie, you’ll remember that Tom’s character survives a plane crash and finds himself stranded alone on a deserted island.
Eventually he realizes he cannot stay there forever.
So he builds a makeshift raft and sets out to sea.
There is a powerful scene after he finally escapes.
He looks behind him and the island has become nothing more than a tiny dot on the horizon.
He knows he is never going back.
Then he looks ahead.
There is nothing but endless ocean.
No land.
No certainty.
No guarantee of rescue.
And the look on his face says it all:
“What have I done?”
The island wasn’t ideal.
But it was familiar.
Now he has left the only thing he knew, and his future is completely uncertain.
That is what limbo feels like.
Many betrayed spouses spend so much energy trying to get certainty from an undecided spouse that they forget certainty was never available in the first place.
The affair simply exposed how little control any of us truly have over the future.
The good news is that Tom could not have been rescued if he had stayed on the island.
He had to move forward despite the uncertainty.
Many months after my husband’s affair ended, I still did not know whether I would stay.
Could I forgive?
Would Brian truly change?
Did I even want this marriage anymore?
The uncertainty felt unbearable.
So I gave myself a framework.
I would take out my calendar and choose a date approximately four months away.
On that date, I would honestly reassess.
Had progress been made?
Was there light at the end of the tunnel?
Did I want to keep going?
I could handle four months.
I could not handle “forever.”
Giving myself a defined period of time helped me survive limbo.
It reminded me that I was not weak.
I was not losing my mind.
I was navigating one of the most difficult emotional experiences a human being can face.
Focus on What You Can Control
When your spouse is undecided, it is tempting to spend all your energy trying to influence their decision.
That rarely works.
Instead, focus on the areas of your life that remain within your control.
1. Take Care of Your Physical Health
Affair recovery is physically exhausting.
Many betrayed spouses struggle with:
- sleep
- appetite
- concentration
- anxiety
- fatigue
Do everything possible to support your physical well-being.
Exercise.
Eat nutritious food.
Get outside.
Talk to your doctor if sleep becomes a serious problem.
Your body needs support while your heart heals.
2. Educate Yourself
Understanding affairs helps remove fear and confusion.
Read quality books.
Listen to podcasts.
Attend webinars.
Learn from people who have successfully navigated this journey.
Knowledge will not eliminate pain, but it can provide perspective.
3. Journal Your Thoughts
Writing can be tremendously therapeutic.
Many people discover that journaling helps organize overwhelming emotions and identify patterns they otherwise would not see.
4. Build a Healthy Support System
Do not suffer in isolation.
Choose carefully who you share with.
Not everyone is a safe person.
But a few trusted friends, family members, coaches, counselors, or support resources can make a tremendous difference.
5. Continue Building Your Life
One of the biggest mistakes people make during this phase is putting their entire life on hold.
Keep growing.
Keep learning.
Keep pursuing meaningful goals.
Keep investing in your work, interests, friendships, and purpose.
You are more than a spouse.
6. Become Stronger, Not Harder
There is a difference.
Some people respond to betrayal by becoming hard.
They become cynical.
Guarded.
Bitter.
Emotionally shut down.
That is not true strength.
True strength allows you to remain loving without becoming naïve.
It allows you to set boundaries without becoming bitter.
It allows you to remain hopeful without becoming dependent on someone else’s choices.
Your goal is not to become harder.
Your goal is to become healthier.
Wiser.
More grounded.
More secure in who you are.
7. Let Your Spouse Experience the Weight of Their Decision
Many betrayed spouses become so focused on keeping the marriage together that they unintentionally shield their spouse from the consequences of indecision.
You cannot make someone choose.
But neither should you spend your life waiting indefinitely.
Make it clear that you love your spouse.
Make it clear that you believe healing is possible.
Make it clear that you are willing to do your part.
But also make it clear that whatever decision they make, you will survive.
That confidence is healthy.
It is not manipulation.
It is self-respect.
Either Way, You Can Win
The most important thing I can tell you is this:
Focus on becoming the healthiest version of yourself possible.
If your spouse chooses the marriage, you will bring a stronger, wiser, healthier version of yourself into that relationship.
If your spouse chooses to leave, you will bring a stronger, wiser, healthier version of yourself into the next chapter of your life.
Either way, your growth is never wasted.
Your spouse may be undecided.
You do not have to be.
You can decide right now that regardless of what they choose, you will continue growing.
You will continue healing.
You will continue becoming the person you were created to be.
And that is a decision no one can take away from you.