(While this article is written by an unfaithful wife who successfully healed her marriage, the information that follows is mostly gender-neutral and is relevant regardless of who had the affair.)
If your affair has recently been discovered by your husband, or if you have recently disclosed it to him, and the decision has been made to try to recover from the affair, it can be overwhelming to know what to do next. Usually, both parties are so emotionally destroyed by an affair that it feels like there could not possibly be a way to recover from this. Be encouraged! Many couples have walked this journey that you now find yourself on. While nobody’s experience is without pain and a lot of hard work, many have healed from the affair, and have also built a wonderful and fulfilling relationship that is stronger than it was before the affair.
For the most part, how an affair happens is not gender specific and neither is how you heal from it. However, there are some gender differences that can occur when the woman has the affair as opposed to when the man has the affair.
Help for Unfaithful Wives: Where Do I Start?
1. End All Contact
If your affair was discovered, or if you disclosed your affair to your husband, but the affair has not ended, you need to end all contact.
Be certain to include your husband in all communications with the affair partner by having him listen in on the ending call or by reading the final email or text. There is freedom in this because it gives the two of you an opportunity to come together as a united front in the healing of your marriage. It also communicates clearly to the other man that you are serious about ending the affair.
Areas that need to be considered for no contact include:
Text, Telephone, and Email
Block all phone numbers and email addresses from your devices. This helps you avoid the temptation of reaching out to your affair partner and reduces the chances that he can easily contact you.
You may even need to change your own phone number or email address if the affair partner continues trying to contact you.
Work
If at all possible, consider changing jobs or at least changing positions within your workplace.
It is very difficult for your husband to heal while knowing that you remain in regular contact with the other person.
If changing jobs is not realistic, coaching can help couples navigate these less-than-ideal situations while still working toward healing.
Social Media
If social media played a role in the affair, or if it creates concern for your spouse, shut down the accounts or block the affair partner completely.
On many platforms, blocking someone prevents both of you from finding or contacting each other in moments of weakness.
2. Tell the Entire Truth
Do Not Minimize
There may be times when you simply cannot bear seeing the pain on your husband’s face and are tempted to soften or withhold information.
Don’t.
A painful truth today is far less damaging than discovering additional truths months or years later.
Do Not Decide What Your Husband Can Handle
It is not your responsibility to decide which facts your husband deserves to know.
It is his responsibility to ask the questions he wants answered.
Trying to protect him by withholding information often creates greater resentment and mistrust later.
Offer Information Without Waiting to Be Asked
When you willingly disclose important information, trust is rebuilt more effectively than when information has to be dragged out of you.
Please note: It is important to use wisdom. Avoid unloading every graphic detail if your husband is not asking for that level of disclosure. If you are uncertain how much information he wants, simply ask.
3. Apologize
Your husband is devastated.
An apology is not going to fix this, nor make his pain go away. He will likely not be able to forgive you for a long time. However, he is still entitled to your contrition and apology. Based on Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The Five Languages of Apology, we learn that people receive apologies in different ways:
- Expressing regret (“I’m sorry.”)
- Accepting responsibility (“I was wrong when I…”)
- Requesting forgiveness
- Making restitution (“What can I do to make this better?”)
- Genuinely repenting (“I will not do this again.” or “In the future, I will…”)
Please understand that your apology will not end this, therefore apologizing just once and only for the affair, will not be enough. Your husband is not just hurt that you had an affair but will also have hurts very specific to your marriage and relationship. Some people have a very difficult time apologizing and if ever there were a time to push through that, it would be now.
However, one of the challenges regarding apologizing is that you, the unfaithful wife, most likely have some valid grievances and pain from your husband and the marriage. We get it, we really do! You have concerns and burdens yourself, and likely, you are trying to express them at the beginning of this healing journey and finding it not going so well.
That is because your husband is so crushed and emotionally flooded that he may only hear your own expressions of pain, as excuses. Stay strong, there will be a time for you and your husband to have these discussions and we have tools to help you both through this.
4. Communicate
In addition to telling the entire truth and having meaningful discussions with your husband about the affair when he needs it, stay connected with him throughout the day.
When you are intentional about connecting by texting, emailing, calling and/or video calling him, it offers reassurance to him and helps to calm the obsessive thoughts and insecurities that besiege him constantly.
In this manner, you continue to build trust while reassuring him of your commitment to healing the marriage.
5. Thoughtful Actions
Small gestures communicate love.
One thing we hear repeatedly from betrayed husbands is that they need reassurance that they are still wanted and desired.
Your husband needs to feel desired by you—not only sexually, but emotionally as well.
Some ideas to consider include:
Healing Touch
If your husband is open to this, set aside some time for giving him a massage. Ask him if he would be open to you cuddling with him, holding hands in public or having any other types of non-sexual touch. In most situations, when the husband has been betrayed, reconnecting sexually is also an important part of the healing process for him. This goes back to the high need for him to feel desired by you.
Be Intentional About Planning Fun Activities for the Two of You
A change of scenery can allow for a mental break from all of the intense energy that it takes to make it through each moment. While being careful to make sure it is an activity that your husband enjoys, some ideas might be hiking, bowling, swimming, fishing, etc.
Create Calm at Home
Another area that we know may be helpful for the man who is trying to focus on healing, is when the home is in order.
This will depend on your own situation with your work and home-life balance. We have found that an organized household allows for time for the two of you to focus on each other. It may not be feasible for you to take on the responsibility of keeping the household organized if it has traditionally been your husband that does that.
Nonetheless, it can be overwhelming regardless of who is ‘in charge’. If this is an issue in your home right now, an alternative strategy which has proved quite successful for numerous of our clients, is to temporarily hire a housekeeper.
6. Educate Yourself
Learn as much as you can about affairs and recovery.
Consider:
- Reading books about affair recovery
- Working with an affair recovery coach
- Attending retreats; Healing from Affairs, Take Your Life Back and/or Love & Passion
- Participating in support communities
It is reassuring to your betrayed husband to know that you are learning as much as you can about affairs; how affairs happen, how to heal and how to not find yourself in the position of ever having one again.
Knowledge is power! Educating yourself also creates new opportunities for interesting conversations with your husband, which is a powerful tool for connecting.
7. Be Introspective
- Through educating yourself, apply that knowledge to understanding yourself. Be open to changing negative or unfruitful interactions and coping mechanisms.
- Be open to any criticisms you may have received about yourself and consider that you may have a blind spot regarding your own character.
- Recognize any addictions and reach out for help. You do not have to do any of this on your own!
A Word About Shame
Many women who have had affairs carry an enormous burden of guilt and shame.
While taking responsibility is essential, shame is rarely helpful.
Your affair was something you did.
It is not who you are.
You are still worthy of healing, growth, dignity, and respect.
Likewise, if abuse is occurring in your relationship, please seek help immediately.
No matter what choices you have made, abuse is never acceptable.
It is our hope that each woman who is reading this, will know her worth and be able do the right things today, to be able walk through the rest of her life with dignity and integrity. Be strong, beautiful woman, you are not alone!
Frequently Asked Questions
What should I do immediately after my affair is discovered?
End all contact with the affair partner, tell the truth, become transparent, and begin focusing your energy on rebuilding trust.
How do I rebuild trust after cheating on my husband?
Trust is rebuilt through honesty, consistency, accountability, transparency, and time. Small actions repeated consistently matter more than grand gestures.
Should I tell my husband everything about the affair?
In general, honesty is essential. However, use wisdom regarding graphic details. If you are unsure how much information your husband wants, ask him directly.
How can I show remorse after an affair?
Listen to your husband’s pain, apologize sincerely, accept responsibility, answer questions honestly, and demonstrate change through your actions.
Can a marriage recover after a wife’s affair?
Absolutely. Many marriages recover and become stronger after infidelity when both spouses are willing to do the difficult work of healing.
Final Thoughts
We know that you may feel overwhelmed right now.
You may feel ashamed.
You may wonder if your marriage can survive.
Please don’t lose hope.
Many women have stood where you are standing today and have successfully rebuilt their marriages and their lives.
Your affair does not define your future.
Choose integrity today.
Choose honesty today.
Choose courage today.
One step at a time, healing is possible.
Contributed by Passionate Life Coach Kim
About Kim
Kim is a Passionate Life Coach who successfully rebuilt her marriage after her own affair. Today she helps individuals and couples navigate the difficult journey of affair recovery with honesty, accountability, and hope.