Understanding the Difference Between Marital Problems and Affair Problems
Reader Question:
“I am noticing that I am entering a new stage of grief. I am struggling with finding the line between contributing to some of our marital problems and causing my spouse’s infidelity. My heart and brain seem to say two different things. Can you explain this?”
Quick Answer
No. Marriage problems do not cause affairs.
While struggling marriages may be more vulnerable to infidelity than healthy marriages, every affair ultimately involves a series of choices made by the unfaithful spouse.
Marriage problems and affair problems are two separate issues. If we confuse them, we often end up blaming the betrayed spouse for something that was never their responsibility.
Understanding that distinction is one of the most important steps in healing after infidelity.
The Elephant in the Room
The more I learn about affairs, the more amazed I am that society generally fails to see the elephant in the room.
When a spouse discovers an affair, the first question is almost always:
“What did I do wrong?”
Friends ask it.
Family members ask it.
The unfaithful spouse often asks it.
Even therapists sometimes ask it.
I cannot tell you how many times well-meaning people asked me:
“Anne, what do you think you did to cause Brian’s affair?”
The assumption behind the question is that if we can identify what was wrong in the marriage, we will find the cause of the affair.
But what if the premise itself is flawed?
What if marriage problems and affair causes are not the same thing?
Why So Many People Get This Wrong
When couples arrive in a therapist’s office after an affair, they are often devastated, confused, and desperate for answers.
Many are immediately told:
“Let’s not talk about the affair. Let’s talk about what was wrong in the marriage that caused the affair.”
That sounds logical.
But it can lead people down a very dangerous path.
Because every marriage has problems.
Every marriage experiences disappointment.
Every marriage has unmet needs.
Every marriage has seasons of distance, conflict, frustration, or loneliness.
If marriage problems caused affairs, then every struggling marriage would eventually experience infidelity.
Clearly that is not what happens.
For every marriage where an affair occurred, I can point to another marriage with equal or greater problems where neither spouse was unfaithful.
The existence of problems does not dictate the response.
A Story I’ll Never Forget
Years ago, a woman came to one of our support groups after thirty years of marriage.
She was completely broken.
Her husband had an affair every five years throughout their marriage.
After each affair, they went to counseling.
And after each affair, the conclusion was essentially the same:
She was the problem.
The first affair was blamed on her housekeeping.
Apparently she didn’t keep the house clean enough.
So she became a better housekeeper.
The next affair was blamed on her listening skills.
So she became a better listener.
The next affair was blamed on a lack of recreational companionship.
So she learned to golf.
Later she was told she wasn’t adventurous enough sexually.
So she worked hard to become everything her husband said he wanted.
Yet the affairs continued.
Why?
Because they kept treating marital problems while ignoring the actual affair problem.
The common denominator was not her.
The common denominator was him.
He was the one repeatedly breaking his promises.
He was the one repeatedly crossing boundaries.
He was the one repeatedly choosing infidelity.
By the time the final affair was discovered, this woman was in such emotional distress that she admitted herself to a psychiatric hospital.
Ironically, healing finally began when she stopped carrying responsibility for choices that were never hers.
Vulnerability Is Not the Same Thing as Causation
This is where many people become confused.
A struggling marriage can absolutely create vulnerability.
A lonely spouse is more vulnerable than a connected spouse.
A disconnected marriage is more vulnerable than an emotionally intimate one.
An unhappy marriage is more vulnerable than a happy one.
But vulnerability is not the same thing as causation.
When a marriage is struggling, a spouse still has choices.
They can communicate.
They can seek counseling.
They can set boundaries.
They can ask for help.
They can separate.
They can pursue personal growth.
Or they can have an affair.
The marriage problem does not force the affair.
The affair remains a choice.
“I Never Loved You”
One of the most common things we hear from unfaithful spouses is:
“I never really loved my spouse.”
Or:
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
Or even:
“I’ve never loved you.”
One woman was told by her husband that he had never loved her during their entire thirty-five years of marriage.
Not when he proposed.
Not when they married.
Not when they raised children together.
Not once.
Really?
If that were true, one would have to conclude that he spent thirty-five years making remarkably poor decisions.
More often, what we are witnessing is not truth.
We are witnessing distorted thinking.
Affairs have a way of rewriting history.
Good memories disappear.
Bad memories become exaggerated.
The marriage becomes worse in retrospect so the affair can feel more justified in the present.
This distorted thinking is common among unfaithful spouses and often begins to clear only after the affair ends.
What Brian Eventually Told Me
One of the defining moments in my own recovery came much later.
By then, Brian and I had worked through many difficult issues.
I had made changes.
He had made changes.
Our marriage was healthier.
One day Brian said something I will never forget.
He told me:
“Anne, I appreciate all the changes you’ve made. Our marriage is so much better today, and I value that. But I’ve learned something. Even if you had been the perfect spouse before my affair, I still would have had the affair, because my affair had nothing to do with you and everything to do with my shortcomings as a man.”
That statement changed everything for me.
Because it addressed the elephant in the room.
Separating Marital Issues From Affair Issues
At some point in recovery, it is healthy to examine how we may have failed our spouse in the marriage.
I certainly discovered ways I had hurt Brian.
He discovered ways he had hurt me.
Those conversations helped strengthen our marriage.
But they were marriage issues.
They were not affair issues.
Those two categories must remain separate.
Otherwise betrayed spouses spend years trapped in exhausting questions:
“Am I attractive enough?”
“Am I having enough sex?”
“Am I supportive enough?”
“Am I fun enough?”
“Am I meeting enough needs?”
The list never ends.
Living that way is like dragging a ball and chain through life.
No one can live in a constant state of trying to become perfect enough to prevent another person’s bad choices.
The Real Cause of Infidelity
Affairs are complex.
There is rarely a single cause.
In our work, we often discover factors such as:
- poor boundaries
- personal vulnerabilities
- entitlement
- emotional immaturity
- unresolved wounds
- secrecy
- opportunity
- unhealthy friendships
- distorted thinking
- attraction to validation and attention
These are the kinds of issues that must be addressed if lasting change is going to occur.
If we oversimplify the answer and blame the marriage, we may improve the relationship while completely missing the deeper issues that made the affair possible.
That is one reason repeat affairs are so common.
The root problem was never addressed.
Final Thoughts
If you are the betrayed spouse, I hope you hear this clearly:
You may have contributed to problems in your marriage.
Every spouse does.
But contributing to marital problems is not the same thing as causing an affair.
Your spouse is responsible for their affair.
You are responsible for your own choices.
Those are not the same thing.
The sooner we separate marriage problems from affair problems, the sooner true healing can begin.
Because no one should have to carry responsibility for choices that were never theirs to make.