One of the most common questions betrayed spouses ask is:
“Should I meet the other woman?”
Or:
“Should I meet the other man?”
Most affair recovery experts immediately answer:
“No.”
My answer is a little more nuanced.
Over the years I have found that for some betrayed spouses, meeting the affair partner is a terrible idea.
For others, it becomes one of the most healing experiences of their recovery.
The question isn’t really:
Should I meet them?
The more important question is:
Why do you want to meet them?
Why Betrayed Spouses Want to Meet the Affair Partner
When an affair is discovered, the betrayed spouse is often left with countless unanswered questions.
Who is this person?
What do they look like?
What did my spouse tell them about me?
Did they know my spouse was married?
Are they sorry?
Do they still want my spouse?
Many people become obsessed with the thought of meeting the affair partner.
Others want to confront them.
Some want answers.
Some want closure.
Some want to tell their side of the story.
Some simply want to look the other person in the eye.
These feelings are normal.
The key is understanding what is driving them.
The Most Important Question: What’s Your Motive?
Whenever someone asks me whether they should meet the other person, I usually recommend a coaching session first.
Why?
Because the success or failure of such a meeting often depends on the motive behind it.
Before deciding whether to meet, I encourage people to honestly explore questions such as:
- What outcome am I hoping for?
- What am I expecting from this meeting?
- What if they don’t give me the answers I want?
- What if they lie?
- What if they are defensive?
- What if they are charming?
- What if they show no remorse?
- What if I learn something I wish I didn’t know?
- What would make this meeting worthwhile for me?
Sometimes people realize they don’t actually want to meet the affair partner at all.
They simply want relief from the pain.
Others conclude that meeting the person may help them heal.
Both conclusions can be valid.
Why I Chose to Meet the Other Woman
I did meet the other woman.
Most experts advised against it.
For me, however, it turned out to be one of the most healing experiences of my recovery.
My motive was not revenge.
I wasn’t planning to scream at her.
I wasn’t hoping to humiliate her.
I wasn’t trying to convince her to leave my husband alone.
I simply wanted to see her.
She had become such a powerful figure in my imagination that I couldn’t imagine living the rest of my life without knowing who she was.
What did she look like?
What was she like?
Who was this woman who had captured the attention of my husband after eighteen years of marriage?
The mystery had become larger than life.
I needed to replace fantasy with reality.
One of the Most Healing Moments of My Recovery
Like many betrayed spouses, I had created a picture in my mind.
I imagined some stunning woman who was younger, sexier, more exciting, and somehow superior to me in every way.
When she opened the door, I was shocked.
She looked like an ordinary person.
Not a supermodel.
Not a sex goddess.
Not some magical creature with powers I didn’t possess.
Just a human being.
My first thought was simply:
“Her?”
That moment was surprisingly healing.
Not because I felt superior to her.
Not because I wanted to judge her.
But because I suddenly realized something important:
Affairs are not about the affair partner being better than the spouse.
They are about the affair partner being the affair partner.
Affairs thrive on fantasy.
Reality tends to expose that fantasy.
What Meeting the Other Person Cannot Do
Many betrayed spouses secretly hope that meeting the affair partner will solve something.
It usually doesn’t.
Meeting the other person cannot:
- Save your marriage
- Force them to tell the truth
- Make them understand your pain
- Guarantee closure
- Make them feel guilty
- Cause them to walk away
- Restore trust
Those outcomes are beyond your control.
If those are your primary goals, you are likely setting yourself up for disappointment.
What Meeting the Other Person Can Do
In some situations, a meeting can be surprisingly helpful.
It can:
- Satisfy curiosity
- Humanize the affair partner
- Replace fantasy with reality
- Answer certain questions
- Help the betrayed spouse regain a sense of personal power
- Provide clarity
- Help bring emotional closure
For me, one of the most important things it did was destroy the illusion.
The other woman stopped being an imaginary rival and became a real person.
That helped me move forward.
Kindness Was My Greatest Strength
Something else happened during that meeting that surprised me.
As our conversation continued, I began to feel compassion for her.
I saw a broken, hurting woman sitting in front of me.
A woman who had also been manipulated.
A woman who was going to suffer because of my husband’s choices.
No matter what happened next, people were going to get hurt.
That doesn’t excuse her decisions.
But it did help me see her humanity.
Looking back, I believe my kindness was one of my greatest strengths that day.
Had I shown up angry, hostile, or vindictive, I suspect I would have fueled the very dynamics I was hoping to end.
Years later, my husband told me that the dignity and kindness I showed during that season deeply impacted him. It increased his respect for me and became part of what helped him see our relationship differently.
If You Decide to Meet Them
If you choose to meet the other woman or other man, prepare yourself carefully.
Ask yourself:
Can I handle the worst-case scenario with dignity?
Can I remain calm if they are rude?
Can I remain composed if they show no remorse?
Can I maintain my self-respect no matter how the conversation unfolds?
When facing difficult situations, I often ask myself:
“What would I do right now if the whole world was watching?”
Would I be proud of my behavior?
Or would I later regret how I handled myself?
Your dignity matters.
Your self-respect matters.
Protect both.
So, Should You Meet the Other Woman or Other Man?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer.
For many people, it is probably not the right choice.
For others, it becomes a meaningful part of their healing journey.
The decision should not be based on anger, revenge, or the hope of controlling the outcome.
It should be based on thoughtful reflection, healthy motives, and a clear understanding of what the meeting can—and cannot—accomplish.
Before deciding, slow down.
Explore your motives.
Consider the possible outcomes.
Prepare for the worst while hoping for the best.
And remember:
The goal is not to win.
The goal is to heal.
Sincerely,
Anne Bercht