A common thought betrayed spouses have after discovering an affair is:
Maybe I should have one too.
Most people never say it out loud.
But they think it.
After all, why keep playing by the rules when the rules did not protect you?
Why should your spouse be the only one who had the excitement?
Why should they get to hurt you this badly and then expect you to stay faithful?
Wouldn’t it help them understand what it feels like?
Wouldn’t it restore your self-esteem to know someone else still finds you desirable?
I understand the temptation to have a revenge affair.
Betrayal can crush your sense of identity, sexuality, value, and dignity.
The desire to even the score can feel powerful.
But before you act on that pain, please think carefully.
A revenge affair will almost certainly make your life worse, not better.
What Are You Really Looking For?
Most people who consider a revenge affair are not actually looking for another relationship.
They are looking for relief.
They are looking for justice.
They are looking for validation.
They are looking for a way to stop feeling powerless.
They want to feel desirable again.
They want their spouse to understand the pain.
They want the scales to balance.
Those desires make sense.
But a revenge affair is a destructive way to try to meet a legitimate need.
It does not heal the wound.
It adds another wound.
Revenge Affairs Do Not Create Fairness
Many betrayed spouses think:
If I have an affair too, then we’ll be even.
But that is rarely what happens.
A revenge affair usually does not make the unfaithful spouse feel the same pain you felt.
In fact, it may do the opposite.
Many unfaithful spouses already feel guilt.
Somewhere inside, they know they have done wrong.
When the betrayed spouse has a revenge affair, the unfaithful spouse may feel as though the punishment has finally arrived.
Now they can say:
“Well, you did it too.”
The guilt lessens.
The responsibility becomes blurred.
The original betrayal becomes harder to address clearly.
Instead of healing, both spouses are now wounded and guilty.
That is not justice.
That is more destruction.
A Revenge Affair Does Not Feel the Way You Think It Will
Many betrayed spouses imagine their spouse’s affair was exciting, passionate, and validating.
They think:
They got to have fun. Why shouldn’t I?
But revenge affairs are different.
Most affairs develop gradually.
There is attention.
Flattery.
Emotional connection.
Fantasy.
Excitement.
Boundary crossing.
The person may not even realize at first how deeply they are getting pulled in.
A revenge affair usually begins from anger and pain.
You are not drifting into fantasy.
You are trying to medicate devastation.
That rarely produces the feeling you are hoping for.
Instead, many people feel empty, used, ashamed, or even more broken afterward.
You Do Not Need to Lower Yourself to Prove Your Worth
These are the thoughts that stopped me:
How does me becoming a lesser person make things right?
What kind of person am I if I allow my spouse’s bad choices to cause me to make bad choices too?
I am not going to lower my standards because someone else lowered theirs.
I am not going to lose my dignity because someone else lost theirs.
Those thoughts mattered to me.
I wanted to live without regret.
Brian’s affair had already taken enough from me.
I was not willing to let it take my integrity too.
You Would Also Be Using Another Person
There is another person to consider.
The person you might have a revenge affair with is not responsible for your spouse’s betrayal.
If you use that person to make yourself feel better or to punish your spouse, you are involving another human being in your pain.
That person may become attached.
That person may be hurt.
That person may believe the relationship means something more than it does.
How does hurting another person heal the hurt done to you?
It doesn’t.
It only spreads the damage.
Monogamy Still Matters
Some people believe monogamy is unrealistic.
They believe affairs are normal.
They believe everyone cheats.
Years ago, I watched a television special arguing that because some animals are not naturally monogamous, humans should not expect monogamy either.
I remember thinking:
I expect my husband to function at a slightly higher level than an ape.
To each their own, but that philosophy has never worked for me.
Most people who come to us for help truly did believe in their wedding vows.
They did not set out to betray their spouse.
They crossed boundaries they once believed they never would.
That does not excuse what they did.
But it is different from intentionally deciding to have an affair for the purpose of causing pain.
Two Wrongs Still Do Not Make a Right
I know that sounds simple.
Maybe even too simple.
But it remains true.
If your spouse betrayed you, that was wrong.
If you choose to betray them in return, that does not make the first betrayal right.
It simply creates another betrayal.
And if you have children, the damage can become even more complicated.
One day they may know the truth.
Do you want your spouse to be able to say:
“Well, your mother/father had an affair too”?
Do you want your own story blurred by a choice made in pain?
You cannot control your spouse’s choices.
But you can control yours.
What To Do Instead
If you are tempted to have a revenge affair, pause.
Do not act while you are in the intensity of trauma.
Instead, ask yourself:
What am I actually needing right now?
Do I need reassurance?
Do I need to feel desirable?
Do I need anger to be heard?
Do I need boundaries?
Do I need my spouse to understand the pain?
Do I need support?
Do I need to know I still have options?
Those are real needs.
Bring them into the light.
Talk to a wise counselor, coach, pastor, or trusted support person.
Journal.
Take care of your body.
Let yourself grieve.
Get clear about what you want.
But do not create a second disaster while trying to survive the first one.
The Better Revenge
The best revenge is not another affair.
The best revenge is becoming whole.
It is healing.
It is dignity.
It is self-respect.
It is refusing to let someone else’s failure turn you into someone you do not want to be.
It is becoming stronger, wiser, healthier, and freer.
The Bible says:
“If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you.”
There is a kind of strength that refuses to repay evil with evil.
That kind of strength is not weakness.
It is power under control.
Final Thoughts
Will a revenge affair make you feel better?
No.
It may feel tempting in the moment.
It may seem like justice.
It may seem like the only way to make your spouse understand.
But in the end, it will almost certainly leave you with more pain, more confusion, and more regret.
Your spouse’s affair already hurt you deeply.
Do not let it take your integrity too.
You are worth more than that.