If you’ve recently discovered an affair, first of all, I am sorry.
I am sorry you even need us. But since you do, I’m glad you found us.
Your world may feel like it has been turned upside down. You may be struggling to eat, sleep, think clearly, or understand how the person you trusted most could hurt you this deeply.
Before we talk about healing, it’s important to understand what affairs are, why they happen, and why they create so much devastation.
After helping thousands of couples recover from infidelity, I’ve learned that affairs are rarely as simple as they first appear.
What Is an Affair?
Before defining an affair, I want to offer a warning:
Don’t get stuck fighting over the word.
If you are the betrayed spouse and your partner is refusing to call it an affair, give them time to get out of the affair fog. The label matters less than the reality of what happened.
Sometimes even in the worst of times, a little humor can help.
One of our clients told me her unfaithful husband refused to acknowledge his “affair.” Instead, he claimed it was an “inappropriate relationship.”
She responded:
“So if I rob a bank, have I made an inappropriate withdrawal?”
An affair is any physical or emotional intimacy that belongs inside the marriage but is given to someone outside the marriage in secrecy, violating the promise made between two people.
Scott Haltzman, in his excellent book The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity, spends an entire chapter discussing the definition of an affair because so many couples get stuck debating nuances.
He writes:
“Don’t conclude, though, that just because a hard and fast definition of an unfaithful act isn’t carved in stone, there won’t be repercussions whenever a person in a committed relationship makes any physical or deeply emotional contact with a person who is not the life partner.”
That is the important thing to keep in mind.
Rather than debating semantics, ask:
Was trust violated?
Was intimacy given outside the marriage?
Was secrecy involved?
Were vows or relationship agreements broken?
If the answer is yes, then something serious has happened that needs to be addressed honestly.
Why Do Affairs Happen?
The reasons affairs happen are layered and complicated.
It is never just one thing.
And no reason ever makes it okay.
One of the problems with trying to understand affairs is that we are often trying to explain illogical behavior through logical reasoning.
We have seen some of the smartest, most successful people seemingly throw their lives away when caught up in the limerence of an affair.
There are many myths about why people cheat. One of the biggest is that affairs happen simply because of unmet needs in the marriage.
While unhappy marriages can be more vulnerable to infidelity than healthy marriages, affairs happen in good marriages too.
For every struggling marriage where there has been an affair, I can point to another struggling marriage where there has not been an affair.
It is not cause and effect.
In our experience, affairs usually have more to do with the person involved in the affair than the person not involved in the affair.
I love it when I am interviewed by a media host and they ask if I take responsibility for my part in Brian’s affair.
I always answer:
“No. Because I didn’t have a part in Brian’s affair. I agree the affair took two people: Brian and the woman he had the affair with. And if someone had given me a vote, I would’ve voted, ‘No. Let’s not do this.’”
That said, understanding why an affair happened still matters.
Not to excuse it.
Not to blame the betrayed spouse.
But because healing requires understanding what broke down, what vulnerabilities existed, and what must change so this never happens again.
Good People Can Make Terrible Choices
We are aware that some people believe monogamy is unrealistic. Those people may be more likely to justify affairs because the first step to monogamy is believing in it.
But those are generally not the people who come to us for help.
Our clients are usually good people who meant their wedding vows when they said them and now find themselves doing something they once believed they never could or would.
So why do affairs happen for people who meant their vows?
That is one of the most complex questions you will answer on your healing journey.
The first answers people give are often surface answers. To get to the deeper root issues, couples usually need time, honesty, and often the help of an experienced counselor, coach, or affair recovery specialist.
In our work, we often see affairs happen because of stacking vulnerabilities:
marital vulnerabilities,
personal vulnerabilities,
and environmental vulnerabilities.
Affairs are not addictions, but they can parallel the addictive cycle.
A person has pain, emptiness, insecurity, resentment, stress, or dissatisfaction in their life. That pain creates vulnerability. Then something offers escape, validation, attention, or excitement.
It could be alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, pornography, or in this case, infidelity.
The attention of the third party gives a dopamine hit. Then afterward, the person often feels worse, which can make them even more likely to return to the escape again.
That cycle can become powerful.
And destructive.
Why Do Affairs Hurt So Much?
Excellent question.
I have thought about this deeply.
Why does it hurt so much?
I believe it is because the person you loved and trusted most has betrayed the most intimate part of your life: your sexual and emotional intimacy.
And they made a choice to do it.
They could have chosen differently.
That is what makes betrayal trauma so devastating.
The hurt partner is not only grieving what happened. They are also grieving what they thought was true.
They may question:
Who is my spouse?
Was our marriage real?
Am I safe?
Can I trust anything anymore?
Will I ever feel normal again?
This is why healing from infidelity is not simply about “getting over it.”
It requires truth, understanding, safety, grieving, boundaries, and rebuilding trust.
Can Marriages Recover?
Absolutely.
If both people are willing to do the work, a marriage can become stronger on the other side.
Ours has.
So have the marriages of thousands of couples we have worked with over the past 20+ years.
And if your spouse is not willing to do the work with you yet, begin alone.
In many marriages, we start with just one spouse. We help that person gain clarity, avoid common mistakes, set healthy boundaries, and interact with the unwilling spouse differently.
There are no guarantees.
But in many cases, when one spouse begins changing in healthy ways, the resistant spouse eventually becomes more willing to engage.
What Should You Do Next?
The sooner you get wise help, the better.
It is our experience that the affair itself does tremendous damage.
But often, the greatest damage to the marriage happens after discovery because of the mistakes husbands and wives make in the chaos that follows.
People panic.
They pursue.
They attack.
They withdraw.
They beg.
They threaten.
They overshare with the wrong people.
They hide things.
They demand answers in ways that create more defensiveness.
They try to heal without understanding what they are dealing with.
You do not have to walk through this blindly.
A good next step is to learn from people who understand affairs deeply and can help you avoid unnecessary pain.
Start with education.
Get support.
Stabilize yourself.
Do not rush life-altering decisions from a place of shock.
And remember this:
You are not crazy.
You are not alone.
And whether your marriage heals or not, you can heal.
Essential Resources
To begin, I recommend exploring:
- Anne’s book, My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me
- Our list of best books for healing after infidelity
- The Healing From Home program
- Affair recovery coaching
- Healing From Affairs retreats
- Private intensives
If you are new here, start slowly. Read. Learn. Breathe.
This is a painful road, but there is a way through.