One of the most common questions I hear from people in affair recovery is:
“What can I do when my spouse won’t change?”
People don’t usually ask it quite that directly.
Instead, they ask questions like:
“How do I get my spouse to tell me the truth?”
“How do I get my spouse to talk to me?”
“How do I get my spouse to stop being angry?”
“How do I get my spouse to read a book?”
“How do I get my spouse to go to counseling?”
“How do I get my spouse to understand me?”
“How do I get my spouse to change?”
The reality is that most of us eventually discover something frustrating:
We cannot change another person.
We cannot force our spouse to become more honest, more loving, more self-aware, more accountable, or more willing to grow.
What we can do is change ourselves.
And surprisingly, that’s often where real change begins.
The Truth About Change
One of the hardest lessons in marriage is learning that we have very little control over another person’s choices.
People can and do change.
I’ve seen remarkable transformations in both betrayed spouses and unfaithful spouses over the years.
But meaningful change rarely happens because someone else demanded it.
Healthy change usually happens when a person becomes willing to examine themselves honestly, take responsibility for their choices, and do the difficult work of growth.
You cannot do that work for your spouse.
But you can do it for yourself.
You Change Your Spouse by Changing Yourself
That statement sounds backward, but stay with me.
You cannot change your spouse, but you can change the way you respond to them.
Stephen Covey wrote:
“If we want to change a situation, we first have to change ourselves. And to change ourselves effectively, we first have to change our perceptions.”
Many of us assume that if our spouse would simply change, everything would improve.
But what if part of the solution is changing how we show up in the relationship?
What if some of the patterns keeping us stuck involve us too?
That doesn’t mean the affair was your fault.
It doesn’t mean your spouse isn’t responsible for their behavior.
It simply means that focusing on the one person you can influence—yourself—is far more productive than trying to control someone else.
We Teach People How to Treat Us
This is one of the most important relationship lessons I have ever learned.
We teach people how to treat us.
Every relationship develops patterns.
He does this.
She responds like that.
He reacts to her response.
She reacts to his reaction.
Before long, both people are stuck in a cycle.
The frustrating part is that we often become so focused on what our spouse is doing wrong that we stop seeing our own role in the pattern.
The encouraging part is that changing your side of the pattern can sometimes change the entire dynamic.
Stop Doing What Isn’t Working
One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different result.
Yet many of us do exactly that in our marriages.
If nagging isn’t working, the answer is not more nagging.
If avoiding difficult conversations isn’t working, the answer is not more avoidance.
If yelling isn’t producing understanding, the answer is not louder yelling.
Often the breakthrough comes when we become willing to try something different.
Something healthier.
Something outside our comfort zone.
Ask Yourself This Question
Before focusing on what your spouse should change, ask yourself:
“What have I been doing?”
And then ask:
“What results has that been producing?”
This can be uncomfortable.
But it can also be incredibly empowering.
Because once you identify what isn’t working, you can begin experimenting with healthier responses.
The Power of Doing Something Different
Some betrayed spouses spend months or years expressing their pain primarily through anger.
Their anger is understandable.
Their hurt is real.
But eventually they have to ask themselves:
“Is this helping me get what I want?”
Likewise, some unfaithful spouses try to avoid difficult conversations because they feel ashamed or overwhelmed.
But avoidance rarely creates healing.
Instead of avoiding, they may need to lean into the discomfort and initiate conversations that help their spouse feel seen and understood.
The solution is not the same for every couple.
But the principle is universal:
If what you’re doing isn’t working, it may be time to try something different.
My Own Affair Recovery Story
When I was on my own affair recovery journey, I did what many spouses do.
I worked very hard to save my marriage.
I tried to get Brian to read books.
I tried to get him to go to counseling.
I tried to get him to understand what I was feeling.
I tried to get him to change.
Then one day I realized something.
I did not have the power to save my marriage.
I did not have the power to change my husband.
And I certainly did not have the power to make him do anything.
So I did something different.
I changed me.
I stopped talking to him about the affair.
I stopped telling him what he should do.
I enrolled myself in university and began pursuing a degree I had always wanted.
Something interesting happened.
Brian began reading books.
He started discussing them with me.
He began examining his own behavior.
He started working on himself.
He became more loving.
He began pursuing me when I stopped pursuing him.
At one point he said:
“You are growing tremendously as a woman, and it scares me to death.”
Why did it scare him?
Because he realized that if he didn’t grow too, he might lose me.
Enrolling in university may not be your answer.
But I can tell you that doing something different changed the direction of my life.
A Story About Boundaries
I remember working with an unfaithful wife who had done everything she could think of to repair her marriage.
She had ended the affair.
She had answered questions.
She had told the truth.
She had apologized repeatedly.
She had read books and sought help.
Yet her husband remained trapped in rage.
At times he became verbally abusive.
Eventually his anger escalated to throwing objects and frightening her.
One night a cherished vase shattered against the wall.
That was her wake-up call.
She realized that what had become “normal” in their marriage was not healthy.
She loved her husband.
She wanted the marriage to survive.
But she also realized she could not heal him.
She could not control his choices.
She could only control her own.
So she did something radically different.
She left.
She found a good counselor.
She informed her husband that she would only meet with him in a counseling environment.
He wasn’t happy.
Most people aren’t when someone changes a dysfunctional pattern.
But she stayed firm.
Her husband eventually got help for his anger.
They learned healthier ways to communicate.
Today they enjoy a loving and healed relationship.
Did her husband need to change?
Absolutely.
Did she need to change too?
Yes.
The turning point came when she stopped focusing on what she couldn’t control and started taking responsibility for what she could.
The Real Secret
The way to change the people around you is often to change the way you’re responding to them.
Not through manipulation.
Not through control.
Not through punishment.
Through growth.
Through healthy boundaries.
Through courage.
Through doing something different.
When you change, one of two things usually happens:
Either the relationship begins to change with you.
Or you gain the clarity and strength necessary to make healthy decisions about your future.
Either outcome is progress.
Frequently Asked Questions
What can I do when my spouse won’t change?
Focus on what you can control: your own healing, growth, communication, boundaries, and choices. You cannot force another person to change.
Can one person improve a marriage?
One person cannot create a healthy marriage alone, but one person can dramatically influence the tone and direction of a relationship by becoming healthier themselves.
How do I stop trying to control my spouse?
Start by recognizing that control is an illusion. Shift your focus from changing your spouse to understanding your own reactions, choices, and opportunities for growth.
Can changing myself improve my marriage?
Often it can. Healthier communication, stronger boundaries, increased confidence, and personal growth frequently create positive changes in relationships.
What if my spouse never changes?
Even if your spouse never changes, your own healing still matters. Personal growth helps you make wiser decisions, establish healthier boundaries, and create a better future.
Final Thoughts
You want your spouse to take responsibility for what they have done?
That’s understandable.
But here’s the question I eventually had to ask myself:
Are you willing to take responsibility for what you have—or haven’t—done?
That question changed my life.
The person you have the most power to change is you.
And while that may not seem like enough at first, it is often where healing, growth, and transformation begin.
If you’re ready to focus on your own growth and healing, read Focus on Yourself, Not Changing Your Spouse.