Understanding Affair Love, Affair Fog, and What It Means for Your Marriage
Question:
My husband says he loves the other woman, but does my husband love the other woman?
He says he cares about me and is willing to stay in the marriage for the children, but he believes he is in love with someone else. His affair lasted several years and involved someone he had known for much of his life.
Is there any hope for our marriage?
Quick Answer
Yes, there is hope.
Your spouse may genuinely believe they are in love with the other person. However, affairs usually develop under conditions that are very different from real life. Because affair partners are not dealing with everyday responsibilities, many people mistake intense attraction, emotional dependency, validation, or infatuation for lasting love.
That does not mean the feelings aren’t real.
It does mean that the meaning of those feelings is often misunderstood.
There Is No Such Thing as a Hopeless Situation
One of the first things I want you to know is this:
There is no such thing as a hopeless situation.
There are certainly painful situations.
Confusing situations.
Unfair situations.
But hopeless?
No.
The challenge is not finding hope.
The challenge is recognizing where the hope lies.
If you convince yourself that your situation is hopeless, you lose the motivation to keep searching for answers, setting healthy boundaries, and doing the work required to create a better future.
Whatever happens in your marriage, do not surrender your hope.
Does Your Spouse Really Love the Other Person?
This is the question almost every betrayed spouse wants answered.
And unfortunately, there is no simple yes-or-no response.
Your spouse may sincerely believe they are in love.
The feelings may feel incredibly real to them.
But feelings alone do not tell us whether a relationship is healthy, sustainable, or capable of surviving real life.
One of the most important things to understand about affairs is that they develop in an environment that is largely disconnected from reality.
Affair partners usually are not:
- paying bills together
- raising children together
- dealing with aging parents
- managing household responsibilities
- facing financial stress
- navigating the countless pressures of everyday life
Instead, they experience each other in carefully selected moments.
The relationship becomes a refuge from reality rather than a partnership within reality.
That distinction matters.
Is Affair Love Real?
In my experience, many people confuse intense feelings with lasting love.
The excitement, obsession, longing, and emotional intensity that often accompany affairs can feel overwhelming.
People think about each other constantly.
They replay conversations.
They crave contact.
They feel energized simply by receiving a message or seeing the other person’s name appear on their phone.
Those feelings are real.
But mature love is more than intense feelings.
Mature love survives real life.
It survives disappointment.
It survives stress.
It survives ordinary Tuesday afternoons.
Affair relationships are often tested only by fantasy.
Marriage is tested by reality.
Why Your Spouse Chose You in the First Place
One question I often ask people to consider is this:
If the affair partner was truly the love of your spouse’s life, why didn’t they choose that person in the first place?
In many situations, the affair partner was known years earlier.
Sometimes decades earlier.
Yet your spouse chose you.
Married you.
Built a life with you.
Created a family with you.
Made promises to you.
Those choices matter.
The existence of current feelings does not erase years of real-life decisions and commitments.
No One Can Tell You What to Do
One of the hardest parts of affair recovery is that everyone seems to have an opinion.
Friends tell you to leave.
Family tells you to stay.
Internet strangers tell you what they would do.
Therapists, coaches, books, podcasts, and support groups all offer perspectives.
Gather wisdom.
Seek counsel.
Learn from others.
But remember:
No one else is living your life.
No one else will live with the consequences of your decision.
Ultimately, you must decide what is right for you.
There Is No Such Thing as Weaning Yourself Off an Affair
This is one of the most important principles in affair recovery.
Many people try to end affairs gradually.
They want to stay friends.
Keep texting.
Check in occasionally.
Leave the door slightly open.
In almost every case, this prolongs the pain.
Affairs rarely end through gradual detachment.
They end through decisive boundaries.
My own husband once told me that ending his affair felt like cutting off his right hand.
For several months afterward he grieved intensely.
He was angry.
Confused.
Withdrawn.
And frankly, he was often unpleasant to be around.
This doesn’t make the behavior acceptable.
But it is a pattern we have seen repeatedly in affair recovery.
People cannot fully heal from a relationship they are still feeding emotionally.
Boundaries Create Clarity
If your spouse claims to love someone else but also wants to remain married, there comes a point when healthy boundaries become essential.
Many unfaithful spouses attempt to keep both worlds alive.
They want the emotional excitement of the affair and the stability of the marriage.
Without clear boundaries, some would continue this arrangement indefinitely.
That is why consequences and boundaries matter.
You must decide what you are willing to live with and what you are not.
You cannot control your spouse’s choices.
You can control your own.
Final Thoughts
If your spouse says they love the other woman or the other man, do not assume that your marriage is doomed.
What they are feeling today may not be what they feel a year from now.
Many people who were absolutely convinced they had found their soulmate later realized they had been caught in a fantasy that could not survive reality.
At the same time, do not ignore what is happening.
Take the situation seriously.
Protect yourself.
Set healthy boundaries.
Gather wisdom.
And remember:
There is no such thing as a hopeless situation.
The future is not determined by what your spouse feels today.
It is determined by the choices both of you make moving forward.
If the affair ends and your spouse chooses the marriage, you may eventually face a different challenge: learning how to heal knowing they once had strong feelings for the affair partner. Read: How Do I Heal Knowing My Spouse Loved Their Affair Partner?