Question:
Our children are ages 11 and 13. Since I found out about my husband’s affair, unfortunately I know there are times when they have overheard us arguing, and I feel ashamed about that. I’m afraid they may have overheard the word “affair.” Should we talk to our children about the affair?
There is no one-size-fits-all answer to this question.
Every couple, every child, and every family situation is different.
That said, if your children are living in your home, they usually know more than you think.
They may not know exactly what is happening, but they often sense that something is wrong. They notice tension. They notice tears. They notice distance. They notice one parent sleeping somewhere else. They notice whispered conversations and sudden silence when they walk into the room.
And when children sense something is wrong but no one tells them the truth, their imaginations often fill in the blanks.
Sometimes what they imagine is worse than the truth.
So the real question is not only:
Should we tell our children?
It is also:
What do our children need to know in order to feel safe?
Children Know More Than Parents Think
Many parents believe they are hiding the affair well.
Often, they are not.
Over the years, I have heard many adult children say things like:
“Oh, we knew something was wrong.”
“We heard the arguments.”
“We saw the text.”
“It was obvious.”
Children are emotionally intelligent. They may not understand adult relationships, but they can read sadness, anger, fear, distance, and tension.
When a parent repeatedly says, “Nothing is wrong,” while the child senses that something is very wrong, the child may begin to doubt their own perception of reality.
That does not create safety.
It creates confusion.
Honesty, handled wisely, can help children trust what they are seeing and feeling.
Tell the Truth at an Age-Appropriate Level
Telling children the truth does not mean telling them everything.
Children need age-appropriate truth.
They do not need adult details.
They do not need sexual information.
They do not need to know every painful thing that happened.
They do not need to become witnesses in the case against the unfaithful parent.
They need enough truth to understand what is happening in their world.
For a young child, that may be as simple as:
“Mommy and Daddy are having a hard time right now. We are getting help. You are loved, and this is not your fault.”
For an older child, you may need to be more specific:
“Dad broke an important promise in our marriage, and Mom is very hurt. We are getting help and working through what happens next.”
For a teenager, especially one who already suspects or knows more, it may be appropriate to say:
“There has been an affair. This is not your fault. We are getting help, and we want to answer your questions in a way that is appropriate and helpful for you.”
The goal is truth without burdening them.
What Children Need to Know
Children need reassurance about the things that affect them.
They may be wondering:
- Are you getting divorced?
- Is someone moving out?
- Will we still live in the same house?
- Will I have to change schools?
- Will both of you still come to my games, concerts, or graduation?
- Do you still love me?
- Is this my fault?
Answer the questions you can answer truthfully.
Do not make promises you are not sure you can keep.
If you do not know whether you will stay together, don’t say, “We are definitely not getting divorced.”
Instead, you might say:
“We are working through this one step at a time. We don’t have all the answers yet, but we both love you, and we will take care of you.”
That is honest.
And honesty matters.
What Children Do Not Need to Know
Children do not need details of the affair.
They do not need to know where, when, how often, or with whom unless there is a specific reason that information directly affects them.
They do not need graphic explanations.
They do not need to hear one parent attack the other.
They do not need to be told information for the purpose of making them angry at the unfaithful parent.
Before sharing anything, ask:
Is this information for my child’s benefit, or am I sharing it because I am in pain?
If it is for their safety, understanding, or emotional stability, it may be appropriate.
If it is to gain sympathy, punish your spouse, or make your child take sides, do not share it.
Teenagers and Affairs
Teenagers are a different situation than young children.
They are often far more aware than parents realize.
They know about cheating. Many have friends whose families have been affected by affairs. Some have already experienced betrayal in dating relationships themselves.
Teenagers also tend to have a highly sensitive radar for hypocrisy.
They want adults to be real.
They want parents to be honest.
If your teenager clearly knows something is wrong and you refuse to acknowledge it, that secrecy may increase their insecurity rather than protect them.
This does not mean teenagers need details.
They don’t.
But they may need more direct truth than a younger child.
A teenager can usually understand a statement such as:
“There has been infidelity in our marriage. We are very sorry for the pain this causes you. This is not your fault. We are getting help, and we love you.”
That kind of honesty can be painful, but it can also be stabilizing.
Do Not Make Your Child Your Counselor
This is one of the most important rules.
Do not make your child your counselor.
Not even your teenager.
Not even your very mature teenager.
Children and teenagers may want to comfort you. They may ask questions. They may become protective. They may become angry. They may try to step into an adult role.
Do not let them.
You are still the parent.
They are still the child.
Your job is to support them emotionally, not to require them to support you emotionally.
Make sure you are getting your own support from safe adults, a counselor, coach, pastor, or trusted friends, so you are not tempted to lean on your children in a way that is unfair to them.
If Possible, Tell Them Together
If you decide to tell your children, it is usually best for both parents to tell them together if that is possible and safe.
Agree in advance about what you will say.
Keep it brief.
Stay calm.
Avoid blame-filled language.
Let the unfaithful parent take appropriate responsibility.
For example:
“I made choices that hurt your mother and our family. This was not your fault. Your mother did not cause this. I am sorry, and I am getting help.”
The betrayed parent can also help protect the child’s relationship with the other parent when appropriate:
“Your father made wrong choices, and I am deeply hurt. But he is still your father, and he loves you.”
This does not excuse the affair.
It protects the child.
When Telling May Be Necessary
If the affair is directly affecting your child’s life, telling may become necessary sooner rather than later.
For example:
- One parent is moving out.
- Divorce or separation is being discussed.
- The child has overheard arguments.
- The child has seen evidence.
- Other people already know.
- There is a risk they will hear it from someone else.
- The emotional atmosphere in the home has clearly changed.
You do not want your child to hear about the affair from a cousin, neighbor, classmate, or overheard conversation.
If they are going to know, it is usually better for them to hear it from you in a calm and loving way.
Children Can Learn From Watching Parents Heal
None of us wants our children to experience pain.
But we cannot protect them from every painful reality of life.
What we can do is model how to face pain with honesty, responsibility, courage, humility, forgiveness, and growth.
In our own family, our children were teenagers when Brian’s affair happened. It was not handled perfectly. We did not have the kind of informed help we now provide to others.
But over time, Brian took responsibility. He did the work. He helped me heal. He restored trust.
Years later, when our daughters got married, both of them at different times complained to me that their husbands were not as wonderful as their dad.
I had to gently remind them that their father was not quite so fantastic when we first got married.
But that is the point.
Their father, the one who had once cheated, became their standard for how a husband should treat a wife because they saw who he became.
Children do not need perfect parents.
They need honest parents.
They need parents who take responsibility.
They need parents who repair what they have broken.
They need parents who show them that failure does not have to be the end of the story.
Final Thoughts
Should you tell your children about the affair?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer.
But if your children already know something is wrong, if the affair is affecting their daily lives, or if there is a good chance they will hear the truth from someone else, silence may not protect them.
It may confuse them.
Tell the truth at an age-appropriate level.
Reassure them they are loved.
Tell them what affects them.
Do not give them details they do not need.
Do not make them your counselor.
And remember, the goal is not simply to disclose information.
The goal is to help your children feel safe, loved, and secure while the adults do the hard work of healing.
Sincerely,
Anne Bercht