Yesterday, my husband and I sat down and had a conversation.
We asked ourselves:
What has helped our marriage stay strong through more than four decades together?
Why is it that after all these years I still sometimes get butterflies when he walks into the room?
Why do I still look at him and think, Wow, what a wonderful, smart, compassionate, and intelligent man?
And as he likes to say, why is he still “hot” for me?
We’ve certainly had our share of challenges. Over the years we’ve experienced financial devastation, infidelity, and perhaps most painfully, the tragic loss of our son just shy of his 32nd birthday. Any one of those events can place enormous strain on a marriage. Yet somehow those experiences drew us closer rather than pulling us apart.
So what is it that keeps a marriage strong when life gets hard?
Is it luck?
I don’t think so.
I’ve often said, “I’ve worked darn hard at my luck.”
Is it because we married our soul mate?
No.
I believe soul mates are something you become, not someone you find. There isn’t one magical person somewhere in the universe who guarantees lifelong happiness if you happen to find them. A soul mate is created when two people intentionally build a life, a history, and a deep connection together over time.
The truth is that most couples could experience a far stronger, more fulfilling marriage than they currently have if they understood one simple reality:
Great marriages don’t happen by accident.
The Biggest Threat to Your Marriage Isn’t Usually the Crisis
One thing that has always fascinated me is how quickly couples become intentional when they’re in crisis.
When an affair is discovered, suddenly there is urgency.
When divorce is on the table, couples make time to talk.
When a major loss occurs, people realize how precious their relationship is.
When their marriage is hanging by a thread, they are willing to read books, seek help, attend workshops, learn new skills, and make their relationship a priority.
But once the immediate crisis has passed, something interesting often happens.
Life gets busy again.
Work demands attention.
Children need rides.
Responsibilities pile up.
And slowly, without even realizing it, couples slip back into old habits.
The danger is not always the crisis itself.
The danger is complacency after the crisis.
In fact, I believe many marriages don’t fail because couples were unable to survive a difficult season. They fail because once the danger passed, they stopped being intentional about nurturing their relationship.
Happy Couples Never Stop Investing in Their Marriage
One of the most important decisions my husband and I made years ago was that we were unwilling to settle for simply “getting by” in our relationship.
That doesn’t mean we don’t have disagreements.
We do.
We’re both strong people with strong personalities. We don’t agree on everything. As the saying goes, “If two people agree on everything, one of them is unnecessary.”
We still experience differences, frustrations, disappointments, and misunderstandings.
The difference is that we’ve worked hard to develop the skills needed to navigate those challenges.
We’ve learned how to listen.
We’ve learned how to discuss difficult topics.
We’ve learned how to apologize.
We’ve learned how to forgive.
And we’ve learned that relationship skills are not something you master once and then forget about. Like any valuable tool, they require regular maintenance and sharpening.
That’s one reason we continue to invest in our own marriage. We attend marriage events, seek outside input, and remain committed to growing together.
It’s also one of the reasons we created our Love & Passion retreat. After helping couples recover from infidelity, we noticed something important. Those who continued learning and intentionally strengthening their relationship often experienced far greater long-term success than those who simply focused on surviving the crisis.
Healing is important.
But thriving requires continued growth.
Learn the Skills Before You Need Them
Many years ago, our pastor made a statement that caused quite a stir.
He said there isn’t a happily married person alive who hasn’t at least once woken up beside their spouse, looked over at them, and wondered, Why did I marry this person?
People laughed, but there is wisdom in that observation.
Even the happiest marriages have difficult days.
There will be times when you feel hurt.
There will be times when you feel angry.
There will be times when you feel disappointed.
The goal isn’t to avoid every conflict or difficult emotion.
The goal is to learn how to handle those moments in healthy ways.
Successful couples learn how to confront problems instead of avoiding them.
They learn how to express anger without becoming destructive.
They learn how to take responsibility for their own behavior rather than blaming everything on their spouse.
They learn how to apologize in ways that are meaningful.
And they learn how to forgive when forgiveness is needed.
The healthiest marriages aren’t made up of perfect people.
They’re made up of imperfect people who have learned how to work through life’s challenges together.
Protect What Matters Most
A strong marriage doesn’t stay strong automatically.
It must be protected.
Part of protecting your marriage means creating healthy boundaries around your relationship.
It means respecting one another.
It means having each other’s back.
It means being willing to talk about difficult subjects before they become major problems.
And it means understanding that affairs rarely happen in a vacuum. Healthy boundaries and intentional connection help protect a relationship from many of the vulnerabilities that can lead people into dangerous territory.
Affair-proofing your marriage isn’t about becoming fearful or suspicious.
It’s about becoming wise.
Connection Requires Time
People often talk about the importance of communication.
Communication is important.
But over the years I’ve noticed something else.
Good communication is most likely to happen when we feel connected.
Feeling connected usually requires quality time.
And quality time usually requires quantity time.
You cannot build a close relationship with someone you rarely engage.
The small everyday moments matter.
A conversation over coffee.
A walk together.
A thoughtful text.
A shared laugh.
A kind gesture.
Ironically, these small daily investments often have a greater impact on a marriage than the occasional grand romantic gesture.
Love grows strongest through consistent nurturing.
A Strong Marriage Is Never Finished
One of the greatest myths about marriage is the idea that someday you’ll arrive.
You’ll finally have everything figured out.
You’ll check “happy marriage” off your to-do list and move on to other things.
That isn’t how relationships work.
A marriage is a living, changing relationship between two people who continue growing and changing throughout life.
Relationships ebb and flow.
Seasons change.
New challenges arise.
A strong marriage requires ongoing attention, adjustment, and care.
Perhaps one of the biggest mistakes a couple can make is believing that because things are good today, they no longer need to be intentional tomorrow.
Don’t Wait for Another Crisis
Looking back over the years, one lesson stands above all the others.
Don’t wait for another crisis to get your attention.
Don’t wait for an affair.
Don’t wait for separation.
Don’t wait for devastating loss.
Don’t wait until your relationship is hanging by a thread.
Invest in your marriage now.
Learn new skills.
Spend time together.
Talk about difficult things.
Strengthen your connection.
Continue growing.
The strongest marriages aren’t built during the easy seasons of life.
They’re built when two imperfect people repeatedly choose each other, choose growth, and choose to keep moving forward together.
Your marriage is worth that investment.
And so are you.
Sincerely,
Anne Bercht