One of the most common questions readers of my book, “My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me” (first published in 2004) ask is:
“Your story is inspiring, but how is your marriage now?”
It’s a fair question.
Answer
Today, 26 years after Brian’s affair and 44 years into our marriage, I can honestly say that our marriage is strong, loving, and deeply connected.
Brian makes me feel cherished every single day. We are not perfect, nor problem-free. But I trust Brian completely, and we share life, joy, and laughter together in ways I never imagined possible during those painful affair recovery years.
What I treasure most today are the simple things. Morning coffee together. Long conversations. Traveling. Hosting dinner parties with friends. Time with our children and grandchildren. After all these years, Brian is still my favorite person to spend time with.
In addition to our passion for helping marriages, we enjoy traveling the world together, spending time with family, and being involved in our local church. Our favorite hobby is cooking and hosting formal dinner parties with great friends. We are foodies.
I like Brian’s metaphor to describe our marriage today best. He says our pre-affair marriage was good, like watching footage of the Grand Canyon on the best TV you can find in a Best Buy Store. Our post affair marriage is like standing at the edge of the cliff at the Grand Canyon.
What we had before was good. What we have today is multiplied times better, because of the honesty we share.
Not for a moment are we saying the affair was good for our marriage. It wasn’t.
It BECAME good for me in the end.
Any couple who chooses to learn how, can have the closeness we share today, and it would certainly be better to get here without an affair to nearly kill you both in the middle of your story.
How Did We Get Here?
One thing that is different is the depth of marriage skills we’ve gained. For example, when one of us accidentally hurts the other and negative feelings begin to escalate, we both know how to put the brakes on and turn it into a positive, fast.
These are skills that any couple can learn, and they are the things we teach couples in our marriage retreats.
It’s like learning how to ride a bike. It might feel awkward at first. It will take some persistence, and you may fall and make mistakes while learning, but once you know how, you can jump on and ride anytime.
Are there still times when I feel angry or sad that my husband had an affair?
No. Not anymore.
It’s been many years since I felt angry about the affair itself. I remember Brian’s affair, but the memory no longer comes with stinging pain.
There was a time for the anger, and I allowed myself to be fully angry then. It’s all out now.
There was a time for sadness and grieving my loss, but I chose not to live there for the rest of my life.
I view the affair now differently. Back then it was a black spot on our marriage, I thought would never go away.
Today, I think of it as a tremendous kick-butt victory I’ve won. It’s my victory story, not my defeat story.
I refuse to stay in the mode of a victim.
Honestly my faith in God is a big part of my healing story.
Because I believe that there is a spiritual battle between good and evil, and the forces of evil are going back and forth looking for lives to destroy. I also believe those forces of evil attempted to destroy my life, marriage and family, but what they meant for evil God has turned around for good.
That which could have destroyed me has become a message of hope and reconciliation for many other marriages.
I’ve learned to live in the present, not in the past. It is better to look ahead and claim the future that still belongs you.
That said, I don’t want to give anyone the impression they’re not healed because they occasionally have a bad day, or a moment where they remember the affair sadly.
One way you know you’ve healed from this whole mess is when you can actually begin to laugh about it and make tasteful jokes, and Brian and I do that sometimes. (Warning! Don’t try this too soon!)
Although over the past 20+ years has involved helping others heal from affairs, we don’t relive our pain while doing so. When I turn off my computer or we conclude a retreat, I’m not thinking about anyone’s infidelity anymore – and certainly not Brian’s. (I’m probably not thinking about it while you’re reading this article.) We’ve moved on with our lives.
Another reason I’m healed today is because I get it. I get it how my husband could love me, and still have an affair. I get it how even good men (and women) can lose their way and do bad things sometimes.
As I watch Brian help other men get their lives right with their wives, I respect and admire him more and more. I respect Brian because of his willingness and desire to help others through sharing our story. It’s much easier for me. After all, I’m the one who was betrayed, and people can feel sorry for me, but Brian was the “bad guy” in our story.
It takes tremendous character strength to share failure publicly. I wouldn’t be doing any of this affair healing work without Brian working right by my side. He cares about the people we help just as much as I do. We’re a team.
What’s different in our marriage now?
The most significant thing is the incredible degree of openness and honesty we’ve developed in our relationship. Brian has developed the ability to be honest with himself and aware of his feelings.
Before the affair Brian struggled to talk openly about his feelings, something many people experience. Today, he is open and transparent.
I know when he’s happy, sad, frustrated, scared, insecure, worried, whatever.
I, too, have developed the ability to be much more honest with myself and Brian. I don’t need to protect my fairytale view of life anymore.
We both have developed stronger self-esteem than before the affair. This helps us to be truly honest with each other, even about difficult things we may have kept in, in the past, to avoid conflict.
When Brian is honest with me about something difficult, I feel secure in our relationship. That’s what’s different.
You can’t have an affair when you’re committed to total honesty with each other, and you are mature and secure enough to accept that honesty.
When you are able to be truly honest with your partner, even about difficult things, you feel incredibly close.
We no longer need each other. Codependency is gone. We simply choose each other.
I no longer try to be a good wife. I am a good wife. All I have to do is be myself. How freeing is that?
We laugh together.
We try new things together.
We live our lives for a purpose bigger than ourselves.
We allow each other to be who we are in the relationship.
We don’t try to change each other.
When we have differences, we really listen to each other. We don’t assume we are right and the other is wrong. We listen for the understandable parts in what the other is saying.
Since we are dedicated to helping others, we do feel a sense of social responsibility to practice what we preach. No marriage is immune to affairs, even ours, so we don’t take ours for granted.
We also attend other people’s marriage retreats and trainings regularly to continually improve our own relationship and skills. Having a good marriage is not something you achieve and then check off your to-do list, and move on to other things. It’s something you put intentional effort into on an ongoing effort – similar to maintaining fitness and good health.
Hope for You
God does not show favoritism. Brian and Anne are not extra special or extra smart. If you are willing to do the work, you can get beyond the pain one day too, whether that’s in your marriage because your partner is willing to do the work with you, or whether it’s alone. Your future happiness is not dependent on being married.
Frequently Asked Questions
Do you ever think about the affair anymore?
Yes. But I don’t relive it emotionally the way I once did. Today it’s part of our story, not the center of it.
Can trust really come back after an affair?
Yes, but trust isn’t restored through promises. It’s rebuilt through consistent honesty and trustworthy behavior over time.
Do affair triggers ever disappear completely?
For many people, triggers become far less frequent and intense. Healing doesn’t mean forgetting. It means the memories no longer control your life.
What helped you heal the most?
Learning how affairs happen, grieving fully, rebuilding my own life, honest communication, and choosing not to remain trapped in victimhood.
Was It Worth Staying?
For me, yes.
Looking back, staying and doing the hard work was one of the best decisions I ever made. That doesn’t mean staying is the right choice for everyone. Every situation is different.
But in our case, rebuilding our marriage was absolutely worth it. What we have today is stronger, healthier, and more honest than I ever thought possible during those painful years after the affair.