Dear Anne,
I am a betrayed spouse working on restoring sexual intimacy after infidelity. My partner and I are struggling with intimacy issues. There are things my husband and I used to do that we no longer do. I ask my husband about it and he says, “I don’t like…” kissing, for example. Yet I know there was significant kissing with the other woman, so this makes me feel inadequate.
Any advice on how to deal with this?
Answer:
An affair almost always has a profound effect on a couple’s sex life.
For many couples, intimacy after infidelity tends to move toward one of two extremes.
Sometimes the betrayed spouse goes into what I call “super sex god” or “super sex goddess” mode. In these situations, the couple’s sex life may suddenly become extremely passionate after the affair. If you’ve read my book My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me, you know this was part of our story.
But this kind of intensity is not always emotionally healthy.
Often, the increased passion is fueled by:
- pain
- comparison
- insecurity
- fear of losing the relationship
- or the desperate need to feel chosen again.
The betrayed spouse may become consumed with comparing themselves to the affair partner.
More commonly, however, intimacy after infidelity becomes extremely difficult.
The betrayed spouse feels emotionally shattered, unsafe, or even physically repulsed by the thought of sexual connection after betrayal. For many people, betrayal trauma deeply impacts both emotional and physical intimacy.
Restoring sexual intimacy after infidelity requires patience, emotional safety, honesty, and healing from both spouses.
Below are some important principles that can help couples reconnect.
1. Don’t Compare Yourself To The Affair Partner
One of the most destructive things a betrayed spouse can do is compare themselves to the affair partner.
We are always wrong when we compare ourselves to another person.
People are like colors or flowers:
all unique, valuable, and different.
To say that one person is “better” than another is often a deeply distorted way of thinking.
There will always be someone:
- prettier
- sexier
- smarter
- funnier
- younger
- more successful
- or more talented in some area.
Trying to rebuild your self-worth through comparison will eventually collapse under pressure.
Healthy sexual intimacy after infidelity cannot be built on competition.
It must eventually become rooted in:
- emotional safety
- restored trust
- genuine love
- acceptance
- and knowing you are valued for who you are.
Otherwise, intimacy becomes performance rather than connection.
2. Address Feelings Of Shame, Guilt, And Unworthiness
Sometimes intimacy struggles after infidelity come primarily from the unfaithful spouse.
They may struggle with:
- shame
- guilt
- self-loathing
- emotional confusion
- or feelings of unworthiness.
In some situations, the affair has not fully ended emotionally, even if physical contact has stopped.
It is also common for the unfaithful spouse to grieve the emotional “high” of the affair after no contact begins. This can be incredibly painful and confusing for the betrayed spouse to understand.
Affair relationships often create emotional intensity based on fantasy, validation, escape, and idealization — not genuine intimacy or mature love.
Restoring intimacy requires emotional honesty from both spouses.
Intimacy issues are rarely simple or “cookie cutter.”
Human beings are emotionally complex, and healing usually requires patience and understanding.
3. Recognize That “We” Have An Intimacy Issue
When couples struggle sexually after infidelity, it is important not to say:
- “He has a problem.”
- “She has a problem.”
Instead, say:
“We are struggling.”
Sexual intimacy in marriage is not an individual issue.
It is a relational issue.
A healthy marriage views intimacy as something shared together.
Sex and emotional intimacy often serve many important purposes in marriage, including:
- healing
- comfort
- reconciliation
- emotional bonding
- stress relief
- affection
- reassurance
- emotional connection
- vulnerability
- and expressing love when words are not enough.
This is why intimacy struggles after betrayal often feel so painful and emotionally loaded.
4. Reconnect Gently — But Don’t Avoid Intimacy Forever
Some professionals recommend that couples avoid sexual intimacy for long periods after an affair.
Personally, I disagree with making avoidance the long-term strategy.
There may never be a time when emotional reassurance, comfort, affection, and connection are more important than during affair recovery.
However, reconnecting sexually should never involve:
- pressure
- coercion
- emotional manipulation
- or either spouse feeling violated.
The goal is gentle reconnection when both partners feel emotionally safe enough to begin rebuilding intimacy together.
It is also important to understand:
sexual reconnection does NOT mean:
“Everything is fixed now.”
Healing after infidelity takes time.
Couples can begin reconnecting physically while still working through:
- grief
- betrayal trauma
- communication problems
- anger
- and rebuilding trust.
5. Learn To Discuss Sex Openly And Honestly
Many couples never learned how to talk openly about intimacy before the affair happened.
After betrayal, those communication struggles often become even more obvious.
Couples need to learn how to discuss:
- desires
- fears
- insecurities
- triggers
- disappointments
- and emotional needs
in safe, respectful, non-judgmental ways.
One important rule:
difficult conversations about sex should not happen during intimacy itself.
If an intimate experience does not go well:
- slow down
- hold each other
- remove pressure
- and save difficult discussions for another time.
Emotional safety matters enormously during affair recovery.
6. Focus On Emotional Connection First
There are many different styles of sexual expression within marriage.
But during affair recovery, it is often healthiest to focus first on:
emotional connection and lovemaking intimacy
rather than highly adventurous or emotionally disconnected sexual experiences.
Why?
Because betrayal damages:
- trust
- emotional safety
- vulnerability
- and attachment.
The foundation must be rebuilt first.
As emotional healing deepens, couples can gradually expand and rediscover other dimensions of intimacy together.
7. Healing The Marriage Helps Heal The Intimacy
Sexual struggles after infidelity are often deeply connected to the overall health of the marriage.
What happens emotionally in the relationship tends to show up sexually.
And what happens sexually often reflects the emotional state of the relationship.
Healing intimacy usually requires:
- rebuilding trust
- improving communication
- emotional accountability
- vulnerability
- empathy
- and deeper emotional connection.
This is why affair recovery work and intimacy healing often happen simultaneously.
8. Be Sensitive To The Betrayed Spouse’s Emotional Needs
For many betrayed spouses, restoring intimacy is deeply connected to reassurance and emotional healing.
If certain experiences occurred during the affair, the betrayed spouse may struggle emotionally with feeling:
- rejected
- undesirable
- inadequate
- or “less than” the affair partner.
Openness and willingness from the unfaithful spouse can often help rebuild reassurance and emotional safety.
This requires compassion, patience, and mature communication — not defensiveness or shame.
The goal is not performance.
The goal is rebuilding connection, trust, and emotional security.
9. Honest Conversations Must Happen
In the question above, the husband says he does not enjoy kissing with his wife, despite engaging in significant kissing during the affair.
This absolutely deserves honest exploration.
Not accusation.
Not shame.
But truthful, emotionally mature conversation.
Possible factors may include:
- unresolved guilt
- shame
- emotional attachment to the affair partner
- discomfort
- avoidance
- emotional shutdown
- or unresolved relational dynamics.
Couples cannot heal what they refuse to discuss honestly.
Healing Intimacy After Infidelity Takes Time
Restoring sexual intimacy after infidelity is rarely quick or easy.
There may be:
- setbacks
- emotional triggers
- insecurity
- grief
- awkwardness
- fear
- and painful conversations along the way.
But many couples eventually rebuild:
- trust
- emotional closeness
- affection
- vulnerability
- and meaningful sexual connection again.
Healing requires:
- patience
- honesty
- emotional safety
- accountability
- gentleness
- and willingness from both spouses.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal to struggle with intimacy after infidelity?
Yes. Many couples experience emotional and sexual intimacy difficulties after betrayal because trust and emotional safety have been deeply damaged.
Can couples regain sexual intimacy after cheating?
Yes. Many couples eventually rebuild healthy emotional and physical intimacy through honesty, healing, communication, and patience.
Why does betrayal trauma affect intimacy?
Betrayal trauma often creates emotional triggers, anxiety, body insecurity, fear, and difficulty feeling emotionally safe during intimacy.
How long does it take to restore intimacy after infidelity?
Every couple heals differently. Rebuilding intimacy usually happens gradually as trust and emotional connection improve over time.
Should intimacy feel forced during affair recovery?
No. Reconnection should happen gently and willingly, without coercion, pressure, or emotional violation.
Final Thoughts
A marriage without emotional and physical intimacy often struggles to remain healthy and deeply connected over time.
If you and your spouse are struggling with intimacy after infidelity, do not ignore it.
Healing is possible.
Sometimes couples simply need:
- guidance
- emotional safety
- honest conversations
- and support learning how to reconnect again.
At Beyond Affairs, we help couples work through these deeply personal challenges through our:
- Healing From Affairs Intensives
- virtual affair recovery coaching
- retreats
- and affair recovery programs designed specifically for rebuilding trust, intimacy, and connection after betrayal.