One of the most common questions I hear from betrayed spouses is:
“What exactly is forgiveness?”
Pastors, counselors, friends and family, if they are people of faith tell you that you need to forgive.
Sometimes even the spouse who betrayed you is telling you that you need to forgive.
But nobody seems to explain exactly what forgiveness is. I have even found that the word forgiveness means different things to different people depending on their past experiences and influences in their life.
And perhaps even more importantly, nobody explains what forgiveness is not.
As a result, many betrayed spouses resist forgiveness because they believe forgiveness means something it doesn’t.
They think forgiveness means:
- Pretending it didn’t hurt.
- Trusting someone who isn’t trustworthy.
- Allowing themselves to be hurt again.
- Excusing the affair.
- Forgetting what happened. (As if that’s even possible!)
- Reconciling with someone who continues to lie.
- Letting the person “off the hook.”
No wonder forgiveness feels impossible.
If that’s what forgiveness meant, I wouldn’t recommend it either.
The truth is that forgiveness is one of the most misunderstood concepts in affair recovery.
Let’s clear up a few myths.
Myth #1: Forgiveness Means What Happened Was Okay
It doesn’t.
Forgiveness is not saying:
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“It only happened once.”
“Everybody makes mistakes.”
“Let’s just move on.”
An affair is a serious betrayal that causes real damage, grief, trauma, and consequences.
Forgiveness does not deny reality.
In fact, genuine forgiveness requires that we face reality honestly.
You cannot forgive while you are still struggling in the denial stage of grief.
Healing requires truth. And forgiveness begins with truth, because you also cannot really forgive when you don’t know exactly what you are forgiving yet.
Myth #2: Forgiveness Means Forgetting
Many people have been told the phrase:
“Forgive and forget.”
I don’t believe that’s realistic. Telling a betrayed spouse to “forget” that their spouse had an affair is in the same category as if they have a child that died and you tell them, “forget you ever had that child.” No one would ever do that. Yet somehow betrayed spouses are often told, forget about the affair.
You are not going to forget. It is too big of an event.
Nor do I think forgetting would be healthy, because you would actually miss out on the better life possible on the other side, because of the personal growth forgiveness demands.
Our experiences shape us. Some of life’s greatest lessons come through painful experiences. Forgiveness does not erase memory.
I forgave my husband years ago, and I am emotionally free, yet I still remember all of it; the pain, the devastation, and most importantly the healing.
The difference is that when I remember, there is no longer any pain associated with the memory.
The event happened. I can’t change that. It is part of our story.
But that chapter of my life is long over, and today I am living in a new chapter.
Myth #3: Forgiveness Means Trusting Them Again
This is one of the biggest misconceptions I encounter.
Forgiveness and trust are not the same thing.
Trust is earned.
Forgiveness is given.
Trust is based on someone’s behavior.
Forgiveness is based on your decision.
A person may be forgiven and still not be trustworthy.
If someone continues to lie, deceive, manipulate, or betray you, it would be foolish to trust them simply because you have forgiven them.
Trust requires proven behavior over time.
You can forgive someone without ever trusting them again.
Myth #4: Forgiveness Means Reconciliation
It doesn’t.
Reconciliation requires two willing people.
Forgiveness only requires one.
Some marriages heal beautifully after infidelity.
Others don’t.
Some betrayed spouses choose divorce.
Some unfaithful spouses leave.
Some relationships should not be restored, because of ongoing cheating, abuse or abandonment, or one partner who is simply unwilling.
You can forgive someone and never reconcile.
You can forgive someone and maintain strong boundaries.
Forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to stay in relationship with them.
Forgiveness and reconciliation are separate decisions.
Myth #5: Forgiveness Requires an Apology
We all wish this were true.
Life would be easier if every person who hurt us eventually came back and said:
“I was wrong. I’m sorry for the pain I caused you.”
Unfortunately, many people never do.
Some never accept responsibility, apologize, nor change.
If forgiveness required an apology, many people would remain prisoners for the rest of their lives.
Fortunately, forgiveness is not dependent upon another person’s behavior.
Forgiveness is something you choose for your own freedom.
Not because they earned it, nor deserve it.
But because forgiveness restores your peace, and sets you free.
Myth #6: Forgiveness Is a Feeling
Many people get stuck in unforgiveness, because they are waiting for the painful feelings to just magically be gone one day. It doesn’t work that way.
It’s my experience both personally and with the many people I’ve worked with over the years that the painful feelings leave after the decision to forgive has been made, and not before. It can be months or even years later, after you fight a battle in your mind to stop dwelling upon the thoughts of how badly they hurt you.
When I began my own journey toward forgiveness, I certainly did not feel forgiving.
Over time, my emotions gradually caught up with my choice.
So What Is Forgiveness?
If forgiveness is not all those things, what is it?
At its core, forgiveness is a decision to release your right to revenge and punishment.
It is choosing to let go of ongoing bitterness, hatred, resentment, and the desire to make someone suffer for what they did to you.
That does not mean there are no consequences.
It does not mean accountability no longer matters.
It simply means you stop carrying the burden yourself.
One of the most famous definitions of forgiveness says:
Forgiveness is setting a prisoner free and discovering that the prisoner was you.
I believe there is a lot of truth in that.
Unforgiveness keeps us emotionally tied to the person who hurt us. Forgiveness begins cutting those chains.
Why Is Forgiveness So Difficult After Infidelity?
Because the person you love and trust the most in the world has betrayed the most intimate, precious and sacred part of your life – your sexual and emotional intimacy. And they made a choice to do it.
The person who hurt you is the person you built a life with, and felt safe with.
The deeper the love, the deeper the wound.
That is why forgiveness after infidelity is often one of the hardest forms of forgiveness a person will ever face.
You are not weak because you struggle with it. You are human.
What Do You Gain When You Forgive?
Many betrayed spouses ask:
“What do I actually get if I forgive?”
The answer is simple.
You get your life back.
You stop allowing the affair to define every day.
You stop allowing bitterness to consume your thoughts.
You stop giving the person who hurt you ongoing power over your emotional world.
You become free to enjoy the present instead of constantly reliving the past.
Forgiveness is not a gift you give because someone deserves it.
Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself because you deserve peace.
When the Wrong Committed Against You No Longer Controls Who You Are
Years ago, a reader shared a definition of forgiveness that has always stayed with me.
He said:
“When the wrong that was committed against me no longer controls who I am.”
I think that captures forgiveness beautifully.
The betrayal happened. It cannot unhappen.
It has become an unwanted part of your story.
But the worst moment of your life does not have to define you forever.
You are more than what happened to you.
Realizing that is where true freedom begins.
Final Thoughts
Forgiveness is not forgetting.
Forgiveness is not trusting.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation.
Forgiveness is not excusing.
Forgiveness is not pretending the affair did not matter.
Forgiveness is choosing to release your grip on bitterness so that bitterness no longer has a grip on you.
It is a process – A journey.
Sometimes a long one. But every step toward forgiveness is also a step toward your freedom.
And your freedom is worth fighting for.
— Anne Bercht