November 10, 2009 - Live questions from people recovering from affairs
This is one of our best teleseminars. It is 2 hours long and includes lots of interaction and relevant affair recovery questions from participants.
Jason: We've listened to most of the tele-seminars you have online already. Thank you for those. They've been very helpful. I was the betraying spouse. My wife feels that the memories that were ours, are now tainted, because the affair was going on at the time. How do we get the positives back from what was good and true in our past?
Anne: The unfaithful partner has the ability to compartmentalize. Men do this quite naturally. Women who have affairs still do it. So generally when the unfaithful partner is with the spouse, they are with the spouse, and those memories are true and real. Of course, as time goes on, it becomes harder and harder to compartmentalize, and in time the two worlds collide, eventually they are no longer able to be kept separate.
What I noticed from Brian during his affair was excessive defensiveness and criticism of me. That was part of his justification process.
Further question from Jason's wife: I feel I have to re-evaluate all of my perceptions.
Anne: When was your disclosure?
Jason's wife: 30 days ago.
Anne: You are still in the trauma phase of recovery. It is going to take you time to reconcile all these things. Ultimately you have to find out what is true about them. Usually in the beginning your emotions are so intense, that its hard to think straight, let alone figure it all out. Even though you so desperately want to make it all go away as fast as possible, it will take time. Ultimately, it will take lots of conversations between the two of you. But first its wisest to get some good tools. That will save you lots of time and hurt.
Anne: Are you familiar with the 2 big mistakes to avoid?
Anne: "Jason, do you know what is the #1 mistake of the unfaithful?"
Jason: Yes, ongoing deceit and lies, and minimizing the truth.
Anne: Correct! Are there any betrayed spouses on this call, who know that the #1 big mistake that the betrayed make is?
Caller: Kicking your spouse out?
Anne: Great quess. That’s part of it. The #1 mistake of the betrayed is strong wrong reactions in their anger, that cause further damage, which can’t be taken back. The anger is understandable, but extreme mean reactions make matters worse. There is a better way, that will be much less painful.
To listen to this tele seminar, click on the audio link above!