Best Books for Dealing with an Affair

Best Books For Dealing With An Affair – Improving Your Life – Improving Your Marriage
Highly recommended by the Beyond Affairs Network and those who have personally recovered from affairs!

 “I believe in you and your ability to think for yourself. One of the biggest keys to healing from affairs is educating yourself about affairs. Knowledge is power. The more you understand the more healed you’ll be. As you read take what works for you and disregard the rest. This is your healing journey.” – Anne Bercht

A comprehensive short list of best books for dealing with an affair,  highly recommended by members of BAN – Beyond Affairs Network Affair Recovery Support Group members.

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Just click on the Book Cover of any book below

Top 10 List
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Love Must Be Tough : New Hope for Families in Crisis
This is the best book I’ve seen that shows you how to get your spouse to break ties with the 3rd party.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Love & Respect by Emmerson Eggerichs

Feeling Good : The New Mood Therapy
We recommend this book to most people recovering from affairs. One of the hardest things is finding ways to deal with your negative, depressing and obsessive thoughts – whether you are the unfaithful or the betrayed.

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown

Forgive for Good by Fred Luskin

Excuse Me, Your Life Is Waiting by Lynn Grabhorn


Personal Stories of Healing From Affairs

My Husband’s Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me – Anne Bercht

Beyond Affairs – Peggy Vaughan
After seven years, James came clean and ended his affairs. James and Peggy wrote this book together providing about 50/50 insight into both sides. I read this book in one day. I couldn’t put it down. It provides profound insight into the mind of the betrayer, and the subtle deceptions that lead a man who believes this is wrong, to make it okay with himself.

First Aid for the Betrayed: Recovering from the Devastation of an Affair; A Personal Guide to Healing
by Richard Alan
Written to betrayed spouses, by a man who has been there, this is a practical guide to help you take the first right steps towards recovery. It is a bit graphic in a few places, but in my experience, when you are there, you want the truth and you feel “just tell it to me like it is.” This book does that. See Richard Alan’s own website:

I Do Again by Cheryl Scruggs

Shattered Vows: Hope and Healing for Women who have been Sexually Betrayed by Debra Laaser

 Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome: How to Grow Affair Proof Hedges Around Your Marriage
Written by a Christian woman who had an affair. Excellent insight into understanding why people have affairs, and how to protect your marriage against future affairs.

Marriage Undercover: Thriving in a Culture of Quiet Desperation
Bob and Audrey were strong Christians with a television ministry when Audrey had an affair, and became pregnant from her affair partner. This is a powerful story of reconciliation. Some of the passages written by her husband Bob could’ve been written by me. This book is very Christian, so not a good choice for someone of a different faith or no faith.

Unfaithful: Hope & Healing After Infidelity by Gary & Mona Shriver


How-to Guides for Recovering from Affairs 

 The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Dealing with Affairs
One of the best, most balanced, most practical books to inform you and help you to recover, written by someone who has lived through this. Author Peggy Vaughan was the original founder of BAN – Beyond Affairs Network

 NOT “Just Friends” : Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
This is definitely one of the best books ever written on the topic. After years of research and personal work helping others recover, Shirley Glass remains one of the most highly esteemed experts on affairs.

 Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On — Together or Apart
This is one of the most sound, sensible, helpful, balanced and complete guides to recovery for couples and individuals. If you could afford only one “how-to” resource, I recommend this one.

The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity by Scott Haltzman, MD

 Torn Asunder: Recovering From Extramarital Affairs
Written by a pastor with 30 years of experience helping couples to recover from affairs. Also one of my top picks for recovery. This book offers practical recovery help to both spouses, and will help you whether you choose to stay in the marriage or not. Either way you need to heal.

Torn Asunder Workbook: Recovering from Extramarital Affairs
Also one of my top picks for recovery from affairs. The workbook is very good, and is an excellent option for couples who can’t afford counseling, seminars or prefer not to go that route. The questions will help you to understand each other and your marriage better and provide constructive discussion openers and practical exercises to help you both in your healing journey.

 After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful

 Infidelity: A Survival Guide by David Lusterman
This is a very sensible and helpful book on healing from infidelity based on Don-David Lusterman’s years of experience as a therapist. It offers help for the person who has had the affair in helping them to know what do do to rebuild the marriage, as well as help for the betrayed spouse and perspective for family members and friends sincerely wishing to support a couple through healing.

 Private Lies: Infidelity and the Betrayal of Intimacy

Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley

Other Helpful Books for Recovering From Infidelity

 Love Must Be Tough : New Hope for Families in Crisis
This is the best book I’ve seen that shows you how to get your spouse to break ties with the 3rd party.

 Should I Stay Or Go? : How Controlled Separation (CS) Can Save Your Marriage

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

Love Is A Choice : The Definitive Book on Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships

 Love is a Choice Workbook : Recovery for codependent relationships (Minirth-Meier Clinic Series)
Although this book set deals with codependent relationships, not affairs specifically, the vast majority of couples are surprised to discover their codependent tendencies. Getting rid of them is very freeing.

Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts

The Passion Trap: Where Is Your Relationship Going? by Dean C. Delis, PhD

The Other Side of Love: Handling Anger in a Godly Way


Relationships & Marriage

 Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
This is a must-read for every married couple. I cried through much of this book, because it’s the only book I’ve ever read, that I felt had I read it before my husband’s affair, it may have contributed to preventing it in the first place. The truth this author has discovered is profound. The way he presents it makes it easy to grasp. 

 Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples, 20th Anniversary Edition

 His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage
This is a great book on relationships, only I think the author should rename it “His Needs, Her Needs: The ABC’s of relationships. (My personal opinion.) It is deceptive to believe that by perfectly meeting your spouses needs you can control your spouses behavior and prevent them from having an affair. In my experience, both personally and professionally, unmet needs in a marriage is not always the reason behind affairs, and believing so leaves the responsibility for the affair on the faithful spouse instead of with the unfaithful spouse where it belongs. I recommend this book highly. Just read it in context. I caution betrayed spouses from going into Super Need-Meeter mode to be sure an affair never happens again. This is neither a happy, nor fair, nor realistic way to live.

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It by Steven Stosney

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: The Classic Guide to Understanding the Opposite Sex by John Gray

Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy by Gary Thomas

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love

Seven Desires: Looking Past What Separates Us to Learn What Connects Us by Mark & Debra Laaser

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail: And How You Can Make Yours Last by John Gottman

Ten Lessons to Transform Your Marriage: America’s Love Lab Experts Share Their Strategies for Strengthening Your Relationship by John Gottman

The Birth Order Book: Why You Are the Way You Are by Kevin Leman

The Sociopath Next Door by Martha Stout – click on image above!


Sadness & Depression – Making Sense of Life’s Unfair Circumstances

 Feeling Good : The New Mood Therapy by Dr. David Burns
We recommend this book to most people recovering from affairs. One of the hardest things is finding ways to deal with your negative, depressing and obsessive thoughts.

Battlefield of the Mind: Winning the Battle in Your Mind by Joyce Meyer

Shattered Dreams by Larry Crab

Healing for Damaged Emotions – David A. Seamands
A very helpful book, written from a Christian perspective.

When I Lay My Isaac Down: Unshakable Faith in Unthinkable Circumstances by Carol Kent

Being Happy! by Andrew Mathews

Man’s Search for Meaning by Victor Frankl

Imagine Heaven by John Burke
Based on sound research of more than 3000 people who have had near death experiences from all over the world, and varied religious backgrounds, including people who did not believe in God, find out the common denominators. What is on the other side of this earthly life? And when it all comes down to it, what really matters? I found this book incredibly encouraging in the aftermath of death and tragedy, and it helped me to focus my life on what will count for eternity. – Anne Bercht


Are You Walking on Eggshells in Your Marriage?

Love Without Hurt: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One by Steven Stosney
To find out if you are walking on eggshells and to what degree, you can take a quick and free assessment from Steven Stosney’s excellent website



 Forgive for Good by Dr. Fred Luskin

 How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis Abram Springs

The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in all Your Relationships


Help for Marriages in Crisis

Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again by Michelle Weiner Davis

 The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage by Michelle Weiner Davis

The Relationship Cure: A 5 Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships by John Gottman

Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner



Self-Esteem: A Proven Program of Cognitive Techniques for Assessing, Improving, and Maintaining Your Self-Esteem


The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field by Nathaniel Brandon

The Power of Self-Esteem: An Inspiring Look At Our Most Important Psychological Resource by Nathaniel Brandon

So Long, Insecurity: You’ve Been a Bad Friend to Us by Beth Moore


For Men

Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series) by Arterburn & Stoeker

Wild at Heart Revised & Updated: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul

Enemies of the Heart: Breaking Free from the Four Emotions That Control You

Coping with Erectile Dysfunction: How to Regain Confidence and Enjoy Great Sex by Metz & McCarthy

Men’s Sexual Health: Fitness for Satisfying Sex by Metz & McCarthy

The Boy Crisis by Warren Farrell, PhD & John Gary, PhD. Warren Farrell & John Gray have identified a trend in our culture that is destroying our boys, who become our men, and by destroying our men, we are destroying our families. When one gender looses, the other gender looses also. For years the pendulum was out of balance favoring men, but the pendulum has swung the other way. This is not a problem for individual people. It has become a problem for all of us. It’s a problem of our culture. Farrell & Gray present not only the problem, but also the solution. I believe everyone should read this book! – Anne Bercht



 The Sex-Starved Marriage: Boosting Your Marriage Libido: A Couple’s Guide by Michelle Weiner Davis

The Sex-Starved Wife: What to Do When He’s Lost Desire
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnaarch

Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel


Sexual Addiction

 Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal

Living With Your Husband’s Secret Wars – Marsha Means
This book is intended for women whose husbands struggle with pornography addictions.

Improving Communication & Understanding

The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong & Loving Marriage
If effective communication is a challenge in your marriage, this is a powerful and practical resource. Communication struggles that can seem so complex and insurmountable are clearly resolved. Author, Susan Heitler, PH.D. has done a sensational job of making something usually so hard to grasp, simple, easy and straight forward. I was astonished reading it. The principles my husband and I developed in healing our own marriage are here clearly laid out. If we had had this resource during our affair recovery time, our healing time would’ve been greatly expedited. Susan shows you how to disagree, agreeably. Remarkable job explaining what every couple needs to know about communication.

Why Aren’t You More Like Me? Discover the Secrets to Understanding Yourself and Others by Ken Keis

Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown


Facing Divorce

Clean Break: How to Divorce with Dignity and Move On with Your Life

The One Minute Millionaire: The Enlightened Way to Wealth – Hansen
If you are facing divorce, and unprepared financially to manage, there is probably much more hope than you imagine. This book has helped many of my clients to begin to create an income, when doing so seemed impossible. A woman loses her husband, and her wealthy father-in-law sets out to have her children taken from her as well, saying she’s an unfit mother. He has money and power on his side. Find out how she beats him … and learn be inspired to start thinking outside the box too. There is hope yet!


Being Your Best Self & Getting the Most Out of Your Life

There comes a time in every persons journey when you need to take a break from heavy thinking about the affair and focus on thinking more positively. Here’s some books that can help you.

How to Win Friends & Influence People

The Road Less Traveled, Timeless Edition: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values and Spiritual Growth by Scott Peck

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People : Powerful Lessons in Personal Change – Covey
You’d be surprised how much help for surviving affairs is in this book. Learn how to change what you can, and leave behind what you can’t and how to tell the difference. Part of the journey to healing from affairs is personal growth. You’re never going to be the same again, so you might as well become better. Bitter or better the choice is yours. This book will help you to get better.

 An Enemy Called Average (Updated and Expanded) by John Mason
You can also sign up for John Masons “Nugget of the Week” through his website. They are very good.

Leadership and Self Deception: Getting Out of the Box

The Greatest Salesman in the World – Mandino
This is not a book about selling. It is very good and probably one of my favorite books ever. It teaches you how to live and get what you want out of life.

The Greatest Miracle in the World- Mandino
If you doubt your own value you need to read this book.

The Choice by Og Mandino

The Secret: The Power by Rhonda Byrne

Move Ahead With Possibility Thinking – Schuller

The Power of Positive Thinking – Peale


PSYCHO CYBERNETICS 2000 – Maxwell Maltz

The Return of the Ragpicker – Mandino

Spellbinder’s Gift – Mandino

The Magic of Believing – Bristol

Hung by the Tongue – Martin

Living Without Losing by Don Polston

Life Is Tremendous by Charlie Jones

The Tongue: A Creative Force (Paperback) by Charles Capps

Developing The Leader Within You – Maxwell

Developing The Leaders Around You: How to Help Others Reach Their Full Potential – Maxwell

Success, Motivation, and the Scriptures – Cook

Acres of Diamonds – Conwell

Bible Study

Goliath Must Fall: Winning the Battle Against Your Giants

Goliath Must Fall Study Guide with DVD: Winning the Battle Against Your Giants