Obstacles to Affair Recovery with Anne and Brian Bercht

February 21, 2017 – Teleseminar on obstacles to healing and how to overcome them by Anne and Brian Bercht

This is an amazing teleseminar where Brian and Anne Bercht share the obstacles to affair recovery and more importantly how to overcome these obstacles.  Listen and learn on how to overcome the obstacles you are facing today in your own healing journey whether you are the betrayed or unfaithful.

Some of those obstacles shared during this teleseminar are:

Not Telling Truth – This is about lying about the facts or the evidence or denial.

Solutions: Own up to these! Tell the Truth NOW.

Partial Disclosures – Trickle-Truth. This has to do with making a judgment as to what you think your spouse can handle, or what you think that they need to know.

Solutions: Acknowledge what has been withheld, or what has been judged ‘too big’ to disclose, or what is STILL not been told. You may need to find someone to help you with this like a coach/counselor..  Special Word of Caution: It is highly unlikely that anyone will be able to sit down and spell out the entire affair story, beginning to the end.

Over-Sharing – This comes for the unfaithful person spilling or puking out everything about the affair without being thoughtful or considerate about their spouse.

Solutions: Sadly, one can’t take back the words that have been said, or remove the images that have been shared, or emotions that have been expressed.  The thing needed is acknowledging the wrong and seeking forgiveness. 

Beliefs about Affairs – What gets in the way of healing can be our beliefs in why an affair happens or what affairs mean.

Solutions: Be willing to be objective about your own beliefs.  Listen to our pod-casts and hear what others have shared about their ‘whys’ and do some coaching or attending one of our seminars to really learn and understand the truth about why affairs happen.

Beliefs about Staying – The belief that staying in a marriage after a betrayal is a sign of weakness.

Solutions: One will need to combat these negative and harmful thought processes. Identify with those men and women that have successfully recovered and remained happily married.

Lack of Tools – Not having tools and resources that are practical, time tested, measurable, and reliable.

Solutions: Get tools that work. Participate in our Healing From Affairs weekend seminar to pick up your tool kit if you are healing your marriage and Take Your Life Back weekend seminar for betrayed women, whether you are working on your relationship or not as it can take the betrayed longer to heal.

Frantic Fixing – The trauma of discovery/disclosure leads many to rush out and look for anything and everything to help them deal with the pain and fix the problem.

Solutions: Relax, Slow Down, Take a Breath, Quit Hurrying! Then, take time to find out ‘whom’ you are really listening to, and what ‘their’ background is. Find the ones that you relate to and seek out their help. 

Poor Counsel – Listening and following advise from unqualified or unproven sources, be those paid or unpaid.

Solutions: Find a therapist/coach/counselor/mentor that has proven experience in this particular specialty. 

One-sided Work – Often this is about focusing all the work on helping the betrayed spouse to heal, while neglecting or overlooking the work necessary for the unfaithful partner to heal.

Solutions: While it may be necessary for some individual work to occur, it is important and a necessity that both partners to engage in the work of recovery.          

Expectations – These expectations, some reasonable and some unreasonable are often the factors that get in the way of healing. Expectation of where a person should be by this time; expectations of how one should be acting at this time; expectations of how one should feel, respond, engage, talk, share, divulge.

Solutions: Be careful to avoid comparing your situation to others. Set reasonable expectations, ones that are manageable and achievable. 

Time – Healing requires a certain amount of time. There are no hard and fast rules when it comes to the length of time needed to heal, only generalities.

Solutions: Set reasonable and measurable time frames.  Get help to figure this out.

The Berchts share about this and much more and end the call with some questions.  Maybe the exact question you have was asked on this teleseminar.

It is our desire to help you overcome the obstacles to affair recovery.  Please call us at 360-306-3367 or email us at info@beyondaffairs.com and let us help you through your process…we can help you avoid these obstacles and find the hope and healing you want and deserve.

How to Survive Christmas After an Affair

So it’s Christmas time and your world is falling apart. Your heart is broken and your world is shattered, and you really have no idea how to survive Christmas after an affair. Take heart! This blog is for you.

I remember going through this myself a number of years ago. There is hope and a future with much joy ahead for you … depending on how you navigate your coming days. You can make it through this! Let me tell you how.

We may not have a choice over what happens to us, but we do have a choice over how we choose to respond to what happens to us.

Chuck Swindoll said, “Life is 10 % what happens to us, and 90% how we choose to respond.”
How did I survive the painful aftermath of my husband’s betrayal and come out happier, wiser, stronger and much more fulfilled on the other side?

I honored the healing process.

First of all, this wasn’t about saving my marriage (although in the beginning I thought it was). This was about saving me. I am only married today because first I chose to give my marriage a chance, and second my husband did the work to grow and change and become a better man. If he had not, I would be divorced, and I still would’ve written a book, and I still would’ve given it the shocking title, My Husband’s Affair BECAME the best thing that ever happened to ME.

I wrote the book, I wish would have had when I found out about my husband’s affair. I knew I had a message the world needed to hear. One of America’s most famous women’s magazines picked up my story and wanted to write an article about me. I needed this free publicity, but there was a huge problem. The editor insisted on fitting my story into her title, “The one thing that saved my marriage was ….”

ONE THING DIDN’T SAVE ME! To be honest, it took 2 seminars, 1.5 years of individual coaching, reading a huge stack of books, hundreds of hours of conversations with my husband, and an attitude that said, “I AM NOT STAYING DOWN!” I could not participate in that article with integrity, so I declined.

You would think everything depended on my husband’s willingness to change. Turns out, instead my victory depended on my willingness to change. And so it is with you! YOUR VICTORY DEPENDS ON YOUR WILLINGNESS TO CHANGE. But change what?

Today, your healing does not need to take nearly as long as it took me, because together with a team of experts we have designed a program just for you that in 3 days can propel you forward in your healing, as much as a year or more of counseling. Why prolong the agony?

Imagine yourself spending 3 days in person, with me, and my awesome team of coaches, ordinary women who have BECOME extraordinary through their own unique healing journeys, and now are there to help you discover the extraordinary woman inside you. You may not believe it now, but she is there.

From the moment you walk in the door, you will be safe and loved. No more need to wear a mask; pretending things are okay when they’re not. We will take you on a journey of transformation, helping you to leave behind all the garbage you’ve had to deal with; all the hurts, the lies, the wounds, the times you were mistreated, and all the painful experiences you didn’t deserve.

We’ll help you to discover what’s right with you, and show you how to tap into strength you didn’t know you had.

You will get all your questions answered.

You’ll gain clarity, strength, peace and even some joy back.

You’ll find yourself able to laugh again.

We’ll help you chart a course for your future through all the chaos and confusion, and give you tools to make smart decisions, and to start believing in yourself again.

You’ll leave with a group of friends … who get it, whom you can reach out to in the weeks and months ahead for a word of support and wisdom when you need it. Invaluable!

The group is small so you won’t be lost in a large crowd.

Would it help, even just a little bit, this Christmas season, if you knew that 28 days from today, right after Christmas, you’ll be getting a hug from me in Charleston, South Carolina, answers to all your questions, and the tools you need to navigate the future.

Don’t you deserve some help and support? Exactly so you can go back and give the best, the wisest, the most dignified and happiest version of you to the people you love?

As soon as you register, we will be in touch with you to schedule a pre-seminar personal phone call with me, SO I CAN GET TO KNOW YOU AND YOUR STORY, and get you started on the right track right now.

This program is for betrayed women only, whether you are divorcing, reconciling your marriage, or you have no idea what you’re going to do.

What better Christmas gift could you have than Taking Your Life Back?!!!

Because I care about you,

Anne Bercht
Author of My Husband’s Affair Became …
Co-Founder, Passionate Life Seminars
Director, BAN, Beyond Affairs Network

Program dates: January 14 – 16, 2017 in Charleston, SC

To FIND OUT MORE and/or TO REGISTER:

CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW OR CALL 360-306-3367.

Don’t delay. This program has limited spaces and fills fast. We often have to turn people away – SO RESERVE YOUR SPOT TODAY!

Take Your Life Back

How to survive the holidays after an affair by Anne and Brian Bercht

December 5, 2016 – Teleseminar on how to survive the holidays after an affair by Anne and Brian Bercht

Anne and Brian Bercht share key concepts on how to survive the holidays after an affair, especially if you an your spouse are trying to stay together.  How should you handle Christmas gifts?  How do you handle telling and being around family?  What should you do to make sure your children’s holidays aren’t tarnished?  Is it a good idea to put the affair recovery on hold for the holidays?  Based on their personal experience and after working with hundreds of couples, they share tangible ideas of how to survive and hopefully thrive through the holidays.

The end of the teleseminar is opened up for questions from the audience and maybe the question you have been wanting to ask them is answered.  We want to help you find hope in the holidays after an affair, whether you are healing your marriage or not, and help you find joy in this special season, even when you are hurting.  Please know that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through the holidays suffering, please email us at info@beyondaffairs.com or call us at 360-306-3367 and we’d love to help you this holiday season.

Overcoming Bitterness After Betrayal by Anne Bercht

November 7, 2016 Teleseminar Overcoming Bitterness After Betrayal

*Please note that this is taped message so if you have questions for Anne Bercht we ask that you email our office at info@beyondaffairs.com as she shared and used a different email address during this podcast.  

Are you struggling with bitterness after your spouse’s betrayal?  Has your dream has died?  Have you wondered how you could ever possibly feel happy again?

This teleseminar discusses overcoming bitterness after betrayal, when your heart is broken and shattered. How do you deal with life’s injustices and unfair circumstances, when the pain and grief are unbearable?

Complicating factors may include:

  • affairs with a family member; your sister or brother
  • A child from the affair
  • Deception about finances; money you thought you had that is no longer there
  • If spouse brought the affair partner into your marital bed
  • The fact that you have so worked to be a good wife/husband, sacrificing of yourself. You could understand if you had done something to deserve this, but you’ve done the best you could.

Whatever your unique situation, in this podcast you’ll learn how to cope, how to deal with you emotions, how to live through this, and how to enjoy life and be happy again.

“I know what it means to hurt. I know what it means to feel such deep emotional pain that it hits you like giant waves, and you can barely function. I know what it’s like to be so overcome with pain, that you just hang on to a wall to try to keep from falling, or to be locked in a room in the fetal position on the floor unable to imagine any way to live through this pain. I have been there too.” – Anne Bercht

How do you cope?  How do you get past it?

Understand that you are going to transform your life by renewing your mind, changing the way you think about what is/has happened to you.

In Scott Pecks book, “The Road Less Travelled,” he opens with these profoundly shocking words: “Life is Difficult …”

In this podcast Anne Bercht discusses the following keys:

  1. Take care of yourself.
  1. Talk to someone. Avoid Isolation: Get wise counsel. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
  1. Determine who you are. What kind of a woman/man do you want to be? How do you want to be remembered? How do you want your children to talk about you? Discover your purpose and live your purpose.
  1. Give yourself permission to grieve your loss.
  1. Apply the Serenity Prayer.
  1. Do not beat yourself up. You are not responsible for the choices of others.
  1. Put good stuff in your head – daily.  It’s a discipline.
  1. Be thankful.
  1. Develop yourself spiritually.
  1. Move to acceptance. Let Go. Accept that life is difficult. You’re not alone.

In conclusion, learn guidelines for making good decisions and how to walk out being better and not bitter after the pain of an affair.

You can do it and we can help!  Call our office today at 360-306-3367 or email us at info@beyondaffairs.com and we can show you the way to your total and complete healing.  It is a process and you don’t have to go through this process alone…we would be honored to be a part of your healing journey.

Should I Stay or Go After an Affair?

October 16, 2016 Teleseminar – Should I Stay or Go After an Affair?

We apologize that the beginning of this teleseminar has quite a bit of static on the line, but it was too good not to post and share with all of you.  The static does get better as the teleseminar goes on so it’s definitely worth listening to.

Anne Bercht shares great information and insight on how to determine if you should stay or go after there has been an affair in your marriage.  She also answers questions and discusses how to handle if there has been abuse in a marriage as that will play a big part in one’s decision to leave the marriage.  Anne walks you through determining factors, using wisdom, insight and what helped with her personal decision to stay in her marriage as well as clients that her and Brian have worked with over the years and how they decided whether they should stay or go.

This is really an amazing teleseminar that will help YOU make this very big decision.

We encourage you to reach out to our office as well at info@beyondaffairs.com or by calling our office at 360-306-3367 as we want to support you in your healing journey and we also know that making that decision may also require some coaching or attending a seminar.  This is a big decision to make and we encourage you make it from a healthy, healed place and not an emotional reaction after learning of your spouse’s affair.  No matter what you decide, we know that there is happiness waiting for you on the other side of your decision.  We look forward to helping you discover the life you want and desire!

 

Should I Stay or Go? by Anne Bercht

Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do. – Pope John XXIII

“To give up.
God!
What a bell of freedom that rings within me”
No more wanting to understand what makes you tick
No more wanting to be able to communicate freely
No more waiting for reassurance, for explanation,
…or the words that never come
No more wondering what you are doing
Or who you are with
And then
No more depression
And FINALLY
No more hurting
And all it would take
…is to give you up
But that
…would take too much

– This poem is taken from ‘The Monogamy Myth’ by Peggy Vaughan, Page 177.

The following article is based on information written by Peggy Vaughan in her outstanding book that can help you understand your feelings after your spouse cheats.

The Monogamy Myth‘, Chapter Nine -The Marriage/Divorce Dilemma, and is used with permission.

My Husband’s Affair …’ in a chapter titled ‘Should I Stay or Should I Go?’ outlines from my personal experience my own ambivalence towards my marriage for a long period of time, and the factors that eventually led to my own decision to stay. These factors may also help you in making your own best decision for your future.

There are times in life when we are in-between. We are like Linus in the old Charlie Brown cartoon without our blanket. Our life as we had known it has ended, a door has closed and we cannot go back. The past is the past. Yet the future? What will become of my future? I do not know. My future has become the great unknown. Can I have happiness? I am in-between past and future. I am like a trapeze artist who has just let go of the trapeze, somersaulting through mid air. Will I catch the new trapeze on the other side? When you are in this uncertain place, being patient and taking things one day at a time makes the present situation more tolerable and the future easier with the passage of time.

A Feeling of Ambivalence After Your Spouse Cheats

It is normal to have ambivalent feelings towards your spouse who has betrayed you. We’re often not really sure what we want. We weren’t prepared for such betrayal. We’re not even sure sometimes if we really still love our spouse or not. Frankly, we are confused. How do we know whether we should stay or go? One woman at our meeting reported that while she was going through it, her counselor told her that she would know, if and when it was time to leave her marriage. She left that counseling session feeling a bit confused. “Couldn’t I get a more concrete answer than ‘You will know?” she wondered. In her situation, she did end up leaving her marriage, and she did know. She made her decision based on the fact that after much trying her husband was just not sorry for what he had done. He only regretted getting caught. More importantly, she made her decision based on the fact that he was unwilling (after some time) to discuss the affair or put any effort into improving the marriage. He seemed to be a person who was using his marriage only as a home base from which to pursue his own independent life, not to have a marriage, a friendship and a loving, growing relationship with his wife. Although it has not been easy (the divorce road), she lives with peace that she has made the right decision, and like me she shares the sentiment, her husband’s affair has become the best thing that ever happened to her. It was a sound eye-opener to an intangible she had been wrestling with for sometime. Her marriage had not been what a marriage should be. For years she had been plagued by sadness, loneliness and disappointments, but you stay in your marriage and keep working on it, don’t you? The affair (not the affair itself, but her husband’s unwillingness to talk, acknowledge his fault and put effort into rebuilding) shone a spot light on what was truth.

Spouse’s Ambivalence

While many spouses, who have had affairs, do not decide to leave the relationship, they often seem like they don’t care, unwilling to put energy and effort into rebuilding the marriage. Another woman in our group shared that when she is actively implementing ‘tough love’ principles and boundaries, her husband does what seems right (or at least enough to make it appear so to outsiders). He will attend counseling or support group meetings, yet he remains distant. As soon as things seem a bit better, and she relaxes a notch, he slips right back into the old unhealthy patterns. The question she must ask herself is, for how long is she willing to participate in this relationship dance? How long is long enough before he should have gotten his act together and be putting effort into the relationship of his own initiative. In this situation the unfaithful spouse seems oblivious. This woman reported that her husband thinks their marriage is great right now, yet he doesn’t participate in activities and responsibilities at home (unless it is demanded – at which point he puts in a bare minimal effort), neither does he care to ask her how she feels about their marriage. He seems self-centered.

The reality is that after your spouse cheats, many times the person who has had an affair doesn’t really know what they want. They may not want a divorce, but they may not want to give up the affair either. Most people, who are still participating in an affair after their spouse knows about it, are simply living in the moment, and completely ignoring their need to choose between the marriage and the affair. It is very difficult for a person who is waiting for a spouse to choose between the marriage and the affair to think clearly in the moment, but thinking clearly is exactly what is needed.

Advice from Others

There are two camps, those who feel spouses who have had affairs should never be forgiven and therefore the marriage should be ended after an affair, and those who say the marriage vows are a covenant, it is ‘for better or for worse’ and the marriage should be saved at all costs. As far as the covenant is concerned, I agree, it’s a covenant (which means an agreement or a promise), however, unless I misheard the minister in my excitement on my wedding day, I thought I remembered part of that promise being pledging to ‘be faithful until death do us part.’ As far as I can tell, after my spouse has had an affair, I no longer have a promise; rather I have a broken promise. Unless the promise is sincerely remade, I think all anyone has after an affair is a broken promise, not a promise. There is a difference. What those who believe you should stay in the marriage ‘no matter what’ seem to be ignoring is the lasting impact this experience has on most people. It is certainly possible for a person to eventually put this behind them, but it is neither reasonable nor desirable to bury reality. The situation must be dealt with. Broken hearts must be mended.

Consider the Children

Studies have proven that divorce after your spouse cheats has a long-term effect on the lives of children. That being said, it doesn’t mean keeping the marriage together is always actually in the best interest of the children. Judith S. Wallerstein in her report entitled ‘Second Chances,’ reports “To recognize that divorce is an arduous, long-lasting family trauma is not to argue against it. Divorce is a useful and necessary social remedy. And the fact is that most divorces with children are not impulsive…Most worry about the effect of divorce on their children. There is considerable evidence that a conflict-ridden marriage is not in the best interest of the children. There is evidence, too, that children benefit from the dissolution of such marriages.”

My husband and I have often compared our own childhoods, and discussed who was worst off. I grew up in a broken home and yes it had a huge impact on me, long into my adult life. My husband’s parents stayed married and committed to each other; however, they fought constantly and degraded one another often in front of the children. I, at least, had peace in my home. My husband did not. As mothers I believe we are modeling to our daughters how to do relationships. If we allow ourselves to be mistreated by our husbands, we are teaching our daughters, by example, that this is okay. Would we be satisfied if one day our daughter’s husband treated her the same way we allow our husband to treat us?

Other Factors

There are other factors to consider after your spouse cheats such as finances and social impact. Unfortunately, if your spouse has an affair and you therefore decide to pursue a divorce, some people will blame you for the failure of the marriage, since you initiated the divorce, rather than considering the factors that led you to that decision. But are we going to let the uninformed, unfeeling and judgmental attitudes of others hinder us from seeking happiness in our future after the pain of infidelity?

Even here there is a benefit. We get to find out who our true friends really are. Many times seeking divorce will mean the loss of mutual friends we had while we were married, however, the friendships that remain after the divorce often develop greater meaning, quality and depth. I can honestly say that my best friends are people who I have had the privilege of weathering a storm with. This is where depth is developed and you discover what the friendship is really made of. On the flipside this depth and quality is also there to be developed in the marriage after an affair. An affair can actually be the storm that brings forth unprecedented intimacy and quality in a marriage, but it takes two. Unless your spouse is also willing to go there, you can’t have it.

Guidelines for Making Your Decision

  • Make your OWN decision.
  • Do not rush the decision.
  • Get as much information as possible.
  • Do not make this decision based solely on emotional factors, nor solely on practical factors.

Questions to Help You Decide After Your Spouse Cheats:

  1. Is your spouse willing to talk about what happened, to try and learn from it, to avoid future affairs and to improve the marriage overall?
  2. Is there a willingness to acknowledge the fact that attractions to the opposite sex are normal and will likely happen again in the future
  3. Is there a plan for ongoing discussions regarding how these future temptations will be handled?
  4. Is there a commitment to honesty and communication as a basis for your marriage, rather than simply a promise for future monogamy?
  5. Is there evidence of willingness for ongoing honesty on topics other than affairs? (If there is not honesty about other issues, there is little likelihood that there will be future honesty about affairs.)
  6. Even if there is little evidence of the above at this time, does it seem reasonable to think that you will be moving towards these things in the future? Change of this kind doesn’t happen overnight, but there needs to be hope for the future.

In the final analysis, each person is responsible for making their own decision (regardless of the opinions of friends, family, professionals and the general public), because they have to live with the choice they make. It takes strength and clear-headedness to assess the situation and do whatever is best for you.

Email your questions or comments to Brian and/or Anne info@beyondaffairs.com

Is staying in a marriage after an affair stupid?

Is staying in a marriage after an affair stupid?  By Anne Bercht

Question: Dear Anne, The issue that has concerned me currently is the constant political talk on the news of late, about spouses who decide to stay or reconcile a marriage after an affair has been discovered and calling those spouses “stupid” for doing so (without any acknowledgement of the many differences in each situation, or the capacity for healing and keeping families together). How do you approach these harsh and uninformed judgments many have to deal with?

AnneBercht
“The weak can never forgive, for forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.” – Ghandi

Answer: The ability to forgive and reconcile comes from a place of maturity, wisdom, intelligence and strength – nothing less. It takes greater strength of character to rebuild a marriage after an affair, than to just give up and quit. Smart people are able to refrain from making emotional decisions, seek wise counsel, and discern the difference between a marriage worth staying in, or one that it is best to leave.

If you really love your spouse, and your spouse expresses genuine remorse and is willing to do their part in rebuilding the marriage, there are greater rewards in staying than there are in giving up. I wonder how can those who just throw in the towel like big babies, giving up what they really want in life because there is a major obstacle in the road, have any self-respect?

In my situation, the other woman was bound and determined to marry my husband. I don’t blame her for the affair. I blame my husband, but in my case she was the pursuer in the affair relationship. She wanted my life. She was banking on the fact that as soon as my husband told me of the affair, I would be so mad that I would just throw him out, making it easy for her to take over my life.

How could I consider myself to be intelligent, if after eighteen years of marriage, I allow some other woman to waltz into my life and walk off with my husband, breaking up my family and taking my children’s father away from them without taking the time to see if my husband would choose to learn from his mistake and become a better man.

If I view myself as a woman who is worthy of deep love from a man, how can I not even be willing to give some time to my decision of whether or not I want to stay?

If I’m a smart woman who respects myself and is capable of thinking for myself and making my own decisions, why should I allow those in society who have never walked in my shoes to dictate my life for me based on their own ignorance of the topic?

The ability to forgive a spouse, heal a marriage and become a better stronger person through the pain takes a smart, mature, and good person (and if you are lacking wisdom, strength and maturity, you can develop them through the process).

One of the biggest rewards I earned for staying and working it out was the respect of our then teenagers. All of them came to us on separate occasions and in their own words said to my husband and myself, “You know what Mom and Dad, most of our friends parents are having the exact same problems as you and Dad have had, except they just give up, throw in the towel and quit. You and Dad worked out your problems. We really respect you for that!”

People don’t earn respect by giving up and quitting. They earn it by making the hard choices to do the right thing.

 

I’ve come to see that my husband’s affair was not something he did to me. It was something, which was a reflection of his weaknesses (not my lack of intelligence) and what he didn’t understand about affairs, before the subtle lure of friendship at work led him beyond the line. It was not an intentional act of disrespect towards me. He didn’t have an affair because he thought; “Now I’m going to disrespect my wife by having an affair.”

Of course if he was continuing to have affairs and I stayed in the marriage that would be different, but he has done everything any man could ever do not only to make it up to me, but to become a better, stronger man himself and to ensure it never happens again.

A vice president of a large corporation once made a huge mistake, which literally cost the company millions of dollars. As a result he (and everyone else) assumed he would be fired. But the President said, no way, I’ve just spent millions of dollars training this man. He’ll be the smarter for his mistake. After spending all that money on his education, I’m not about to let some other company reap the benefits.

So also my husband made the biggest relationship mistake possible for which he has paid a huge price and become a much better man as a result. Should I now just hand over the man I love to some other woman, now that I’ve paid the price in his learning experience? What would be smart about that?

Is it smart to start over with some other loser who hasn’t learned this lesson yet and have my heart broken again when I don’t need to? How could I respect myself for that?

A close relative of mine threw in the towel on her marriage in the emotion of the moment after discovering her spouse’s affair. Time went on. They both remarried. Twenty years have now passed. They are still in their second marriages, but they still talk to each other. My relative greatly regrets her decision. Both her and her first husband agree today that they love each other more than their current spouse, but confess because of making quick and emotional decisions in the heat of the moment without gaining proper perspective first, they are now stuck in marriages to second best.

Twenty years have past and the initial trauma and emotions have subsided. My relative says, “I couldn’t see it then, but we could’ve worked it out and we both would’ve been much happier. It was stupid to get divorced over the affair. I gave up what really matters to me in life, and I deeply regret making such an important decision in my life while I was on an emotional rollercoaster.”

I say how could my self-esteem be so low as to not be smart enough to stand up and fight for what I really want? How could my self-esteem be so low as to not be willing to grow into a better person and learn how to overcome major pain and learn how to build a better marriage? How could my self-esteem be so low as to be a quitter, without first giving my marriage at least a chance when I really love my husband?

Of course, everyone has a choice and I respect and promote individual choices especially when it comes to infidelity, but being able to forgive, heal a marriage and overcome problems is a sign of strength of character and is for heroes. The wisdom and love it takes to heal a marriage after an affair is something to be proud of. It’s not for the stupid, weak or faint of heart.

Daring to make your own choice and do what you really want is to be commended and respected. This is neither stupidity nor low self-esteem.

Is staying after an affair stupid? No, absolutely not! It takes a smart, sharp, and wise woman or man.

Being smart is not in the staying or in the going. It’s in being self-controlled, willing to seek advice, and then making a wise choice for you based on the unique variables in your situation.

No woman or man, who chooses to stay, with a good man or woman who takes responsibility for their actions and does the work to heal the marriage, should ever think of themselves as stupid.

Stupidity is letting other people’s opinions dictate what is right for you. Stupidity is breaking up a family if you love the person and they truly change their ways. Stupidity is suffering the financial loss of divorce and being alone, if you are married to a good person, who did a bad thing.

Kudos to all the SMART men and woman who were able to successfully rebuild a better stronger marriage on the other side. Enjoy your rewards! You’ve earned it!

What are the factors that affect length of time to heal from an affair?

June 14, 2016 Tele-seminar – What are the factors that affect length of time to heal from an affair?

This is one tele-seminar you do not want to miss!  Anne and Brian Bercht share transformational tips that will greatly impact your healing journey.

They share positive and negative factors that can affect the length of time it takes to heal.  The #1 positive tip, is finding good help as soon as possible.  Experts have said it takes 2-5 years to heal from an affair, but couples that are working with Anne and Brian and who have received their help early in the healing process, are being healed as quickly as within a year.  Since it does take time to heal, getting good, professional help early on is very important.  Another positive factor, for the unfaithful, is to end the affair right away.  Not ending the affair and being completely honest, can become a negative factor that makes the healing process longer.  Also, the betrayed staying in contact with the other person can be a negative factor as well.  They share many other tips such as understanding how personality styles, talking about the affair, self-care and much more can all be factors in the healing process.

They also open up the end of the tele-seminar with questions from participants.  Many great questions are asked and answered with Anne and Brian sharing their expertise on the affair healing journey.  Be sure to listen as maybe the exact question you have is asked and answered on this podcast.

 

What do you do with your anger, after your spouse’s affair?

This Week’s Question:

Dear Anne,

I will make this brief.  I get really frustrated and angry with my husband for his affairs and it seems to me that he plays the victim.  Not always but I don’t want to hear about his addiction.  Unfortunately my anger has gotten bad and I have been trying for several months to control it and not let it effect my kids.  I know sometimes it trickles down to them.  Just wondering what to do with this anger.

Anne’s Answer:

Anger is the appropriate response to injustice. For you, it’s not just your husband’s betrayal that makes you angry, it’s the fact that he is not taking responsibility for what he has done. He is not helping you heal, so you would be angry deep down about that. This may not be because he is “bad” or doesn’t care. Most likely he simply lacks the tools. He doesn’t know what he needs to do, and he doesn’t know how. People in general are not good at owning their mistakes. Blaming others instead of looking inside ourselves is the most commonly used defense mechanism towards the shame we feel, when deep down we know we have failed. Deep down your spouse most likely feels inadequate or unworthy.

The secret of handling anger healthy is to learn to find the right balance.

THE “NICE” PEOPLE

Some people hold their anger in, and try to be real nice, but in the end this doesn’t bring about the needed changes in their lives, so “nice” people are just ticking time bombs – not good!

THE “BITCHES”

Others lean towards emotional outbursts, where they do and say a lot of mean things that can do a lot of further irreversible damage. While you have been unjustly hurt, responding to the injustice with more mean and hurtful behavior, never brings about healing, for the relationship or for you personally.

Anger is actually addicting. There is a chemical release in the brain when we act in anger, that actually feels kind of good on the short-term like a drug. So people who act like this can easily be looking for things to get angry about to justify and bring on their next anger fix, and they don’t even know the are doing it.

This kind of reactive anger, while possibly feeling good temporarily, leaves us feeling worse, because we are acting against our own value system. We are mad at others because of their unethical behavior, and then we act mean, which is exactly what we are standing against, so deep down we diminish our own feelings of worth in the long run. Behaving in a way that is not in alignment with our own value system diminishes our self-esteem.

Worse yet, we don’t get the results we are looking for. The people, who are on the receiving end of our angry outbursts, tend to write us off, because of how “emotional” we are being. They, therefore, don’t take the angry person seriously, and thus they never make any of the desired changes in their behavior.

Anger is actually a good thing. Anger is merely your pain turned outward. (Sadness is your pain turned inward.) Emotional pain works the same way physical pain does. While painful, it actually helps us, because it is telling us something is wrong. For example, I put my hand on a hot stove, I will feel extreme pain resulting in me yanking my hand off the stove. This corrects the bad situation and saves me! The pain is a good thing! If I didn’t feel pain, I would burn my hand off.

So it is with emotional pain. It’s a good thing. It’s telling you that your life is not okay, and that you need to change something. That is the good purpose of your anger. To handle your anger healthy is to take that energy and to use it sensibly to bring about changes in your life, so you are no longer hurt in this same way. Your anger is given to you, so that you can take positive action to bring about needed changes in your life, so that you will be emotionally safe. It is also helpful to take some of this anger, and take positive action to help others, to provide comfort in the future for others who suffer in ways that you have suffered – like getting involved with BAN.

The healthy way of handling anger is to state it. For example you might say, “I am so angry with you right now.”

Physical releases for anger can be helpful, but you do these alone. You might go on a fast walk, or a fast stationary bike ride at the gym. Anger expressed healthy, does not do any harm to your relationship, to any person (not even emotionally), nor to physical property, nor to yourself, and it doesn’t even take on these risks.

When we are experiencing the emotion of anger, our judgment is impaired. So it is never a good idea to make decisions in this state. We may as well drink ourselves under the table, and make an important decision, because we are thinking that irrationally when we are angry.

But after your physical release of anger, you want to figure out, what can you change? Change that. What are you not able to change? Learn to accept that. Grieve your loss and move on.

WHAT IS THE CHANGE THAT NEEDS TO TAKE PLACE?

Usually we think in black and white terms of extremes, either this or that. When I work with individuals, I can help them discover a list of options. Seeing that you do have a list of options is empowering.

Some of the most obvious options include:

  1. Your husband stops having affairs, and learns to take responsibility for what he has done (instead of playing the victim and blaming you). Please know you cannot control your husband’s choices. You can create an environment most conducive to him making good choices, but there are no guarantees. I have seen some of the most beautiful, sweetest, smartest women with husbands who never choose to do the right thing. Likewise, I have seen wonderful husbands with wives who do not choose to end their affairs and do the right thing. (I’ve also seen betrayed women who have the most wonderful, remorseful husbands who are doing everything right, who still choose not to forgive.)
  1. You could get a divorce and move on.
  1. In some cases some spouses choose to accept the fact that their spouse will not be faithful, but feel it is still best to stay in the marriage, and they find other healthy ways to be fulfilled in life. And they get good at standing their ground, having good boundaries, and not being drawn into the unhealthy spouse’s craziness.

We can help you. I would ask your husband if he wants to be fully happy again, and to have a fulfilling marriage where the affair is behind you? If his answer is yes, ask him to join you on a coaching call with Brian and I. Let us take it from there.

With a heart to help,

Anne Bercht

How long does it take to heal?

May 9, 2016 Teleseminar-How long does it take to heal?

This is one of our best teleseminars EVER!  Get ready for an hour and a half of great healing information to make your journey less painful and more transformational!

This podcast addresses the following questions:

  • Anne answers many questions on the subject of how long does it take to heal?
  • What does “healed” look like?
  • Can your marriage really be better after an affair?
  • Are you ever really healed?
  • Q & A at the end of the podcast

Mike and Darcy share their stories as betrayed men and Chris and Jane share their stories as betrayed women.  They give advice for people brand new in their healing journey and the common theme is get good help and don’t suffer alone.  All of them and their relationships have personally benefited from some of the Passionate Life Seminars such as a Healing from Affairs Weekend and/or Take Your Life Back and/or Man of Honor and share what they learned by working with Anne, Brian and the Passionate Life coaching team.

This podcast will encourage, equip and empower you for your healing journey.