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Question: Could you provide information or articles on how husbands dealt with the pain, recovery and healing after discovering their wife’s infidelity? Could you also provide statistical information on divorce or survived marriages in those grievous husbands?
Answer: Contrary to what many people guess, there is not actually a gender difference in the pain and devastation experienced by those who have been betrayed. It is no easier or less painful for a woman to deal with, than for a man. And regarding the steps to recovery, they are identical whether male or female. This is why it's hard to find articles defining the differences. There aren't any differences.
Studies done by marital affairs expert Peggy Vaughan (www.dearpeggy.com) and reports from therapists indicate that men and women stay married in equal numbers (in the 70% range) - regardless of whether it's the husband or wife who had an affair. The old stereotypes/assumptions that a man will more quickly get a divorce if his wife has an affair do not seem to be true.
The process for recovery is also the same whether male or female. Peggy Vaughan told me that in her many years of experience, hosting internet message boards, corresponding with affair survivors and providing telephone consulting services, "if you didn't KNOW the gender, you would NOT be able to tell whether you were hearing from a man or woman."
She also said: “Where there IS still a difference is in the isolation that men feel. Men are still less likely to confide in others and less likely to seek help/support. So in that sense, they may have a somewhat more difficult time recovering.”
I am personally acquainted with two couples where the woman has had an affair and they have gone on to rebuild very fulfilling marriages. The reports they give on how they healed, are identical to the reports regarding marriages where the man has been unfaithful. The first step was breaking all ties with the 3rd party. Second was a willingness by the wife to answer questions about the affair as asked, and for the couple to improve skills in communication, self-awareness and genuine honesty. This is a process which took time, and required a lot of patience on both parts.
In these situations the wives were genuinely remorseful and willing to work on the marriage. Both parties were willing to look at their part in the relationship breakdown, and were committed to personal growth and change. One couple was a little less willing to discuss the affair, choosing a bit more of a "let's forget about it" approach. That couple still experiences struggles in their relationship today, although these struggles are minimal in comparison to the happiness they now share together. The other couple, which bravely dealt fully with the issue, is very happy and doing great today. Both of these couples have an active faith in God, and report that their faith has been a significant factor in recovery.
I have dealt with four couples where the woman has had the affair, where healing has unfortunately not been achieved, at least not yet. In all four situations the husband genuinely loved his wife, and was willing to forgive, change and do whatever it takes to create a fulfilling marriage. In three of the situations the woman refused to give up her contact with the affair partner, which eventually forced the divorce in two cases. One couple is separated at this time, and hoping for reconciliation.
In the fourth couple, the wife is unwilling to open up and be honest about the affair. She only admits to parts that are directly discovered, and denies everything else, until it is eventually discovered as well. Because of this the husband is uncertain as to whether the relationship with the third party has been severed completely or not. In some ways this husband feels perhaps he should leave, however he loves his wife, and has decided for now to keep doing all he can to learn how to meet her needs, and hope for a breakthrough and a brighter future. (It may be of interest that in the three situations where divorce and separation have occurred, the couple does not have an active religious faith, the fourth couple does.)
Whatever the case, male or female, it is very important for each person involved to learn as much as they can about affairs, and then to make their own decisions regarding what is right for them, in whether to stay or go, and how to go about healing, whether married or single following the affair.
I
recommend for husbands recovering from infidelity that they seek
out help and information from the many books available on the topic,
which are not gender specific. For a list of recommended resources click here.
I also recommend joining a support group through the Beyond Affairs Network. Some of these support groups are led by men whose wives have been unfaithful. For more information about the Beyond Affairs Network (BAN) and for a list of cities, and coordinator contact information see the following link: BAN Support Groups
There is tremendous hope for healing if both parties are willing to do the work. In fact, the affair can become a gift, a catalyst to create a far better marriage than the couple ever imagined possible, as in my own case.
Men who have been cheated on will benefit from reading my book, "My Husband's Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" as much as women will. They will resonate with my personal devastation and grief, and the steps to healing after.
If you would like to share a success story,
helpful insight or comment on this article we welcome your remarks.
Email your questions or comments to Brian and/or Anne info@beyondaffairs.com
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